Spoiler Alert: They’re Making a Captain Planet Movie

Captain PlanetSony Pictures is negotiating for the cinematic rights to Captain Planet and the Planeteers, the eco-friendly 90’s cartoon. Even though the deal hasn’t been finalized, a script has, and I got my hands on a copy. Here are some of the more suprising details that made it in:

* The main antagonists? The cast of Jersey Shore.

* Includes a 20 minute musical number about the benefits of composting.

* To fix Antarctica’s lack of representation among the Planeteers, the team adds a penguin named Max who’s a real dick about recycling.

* When the Planeteers ask Captain Planet to drive a hybrid for the sake of the environment, he smirks and responds, “What do I look like, some kind of pussy?” before peeling out in an Escalade, spraying rocks into their faces.

* The Planeteers begin to reconsider their life choices when they discover the rush of power you get from littering.

* Every single person they call out for not recycling angrily answers them with, “Who’s got time for that?” before tossing their trash on the ground and walking away.

* The first time that weird monkey shows up, Captain Planet says, “With our powers combined, we….uh, okay, what’s the deal with that thing? Has it had its shots?”

* To go along with the show’s classic villains like Looten Plunder and Hoggish Greedly the script introduces some new bad guys: Air O. Sol, a dude who sprays cans of Lemon Pledge directly into the air for some reason, and Steve SportUtilityVehicle, who is just a Jeep Wrangler with a bunch of garbage in the back seat.

* The Captain’s sidekick is a seagull with birth defects after getting his neck caught in one of those plastic six pack rings as a baby.

* Origin story: Captain Planet was created when a 5 year old got ahold of some blue and green crayons and colored in a black and white picture of the guy who played McGuyver.

* The gang uncovers the secret cause of 90% of Earth’s pollution: wrapping paper. Seriously, what is the point of that shit?

* The film’s climax ends with Captain Planet and the Planeteers using all their powers to apprehend the evil polluters so the dastardly villains can receive their well-deserved punishment of a stern talking-to and a $50 fine.

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