Sony Pictures is negotiating for the cinematic rights to Captain Planet and the Planeteers, the eco-friendly 90’s cartoon. Even though the deal hasn’t been finalized, a script has, and I got my hands on a copy. Here are some of the more suprising details that made it in:
* The main antagonists? The cast of Jersey Shore.
* Includes a 20 minute musical number about the benefits of composting.
* To fix Antarctica’s lack of representation among the Planeteers, the team adds a penguin named Max who’s a real dick about recycling.
* When the Planeteers ask Captain Planet to drive a hybrid for the sake of the environment, he smirks and responds, “What do I look like, some kind of pussy?” before peeling out in an Escalade, spraying rocks into their faces.
* The Planeteers begin to reconsider their life choices when they discover the rush of power you get from littering.
* Every single person they call out for not recycling angrily answers them with, “Who’s got time for that?” before tossing their trash on the ground and walking away.
* The first time that weird monkey shows up, Captain Planet says, “With our powers combined, we….uh, okay, what’s the deal with that thing? Has it had its shots?”
* To go along with the show’s classic villains like Looten Plunder and Hoggish Greedly the script introduces some new bad guys: Air O. Sol, a dude who sprays cans of Lemon Pledge directly into the air for some reason, and Steve SportUtilityVehicle, who is just a Jeep Wrangler with a bunch of garbage in the back seat.
* The Captain’s sidekick is a seagull with birth defects after getting his neck caught in one of those plastic six pack rings as a baby.
* Origin story: Captain Planet was created when a 5 year old got ahold of some blue and green crayons and colored in a black and white picture of the guy who played McGuyver.
* The gang uncovers the secret cause of 90% of Earth’s pollution: wrapping paper. Seriously, what is the point of that shit?
* The film’s climax ends with Captain Planet and the Planeteers using all their powers to apprehend the evil polluters so the dastardly villains can receive their well-deserved punishment of a stern talking-to and a $50 fine.