Do you own a guinea pig? Have you ever worried about its safety? You’re in luck: a guinea pig owner created a suit of armor created specifically for guinea pigs. His pet passed away, so now he’s selling the armor on eBay. Bids are already over $10,000 with all proceeds going to the Metropolitan Guinea Pig Rescue in Virginia. If you own one of these furballs, here are a few reasons you should splurge and buy it:
GIVES THEM A FIGHTING CHANCE AGAINST HAWKS
I know what you’re thinking: “I keep my guinea pig inside all day. Surely a hawk can’t snatch him!” But what if you take it outside for a walk? What if it figures out how to pick the lock on your back door? What if a hawk enters your home disguised as a cable guy?
YOU CAN NOW PUT ON AN ALL-GUINEA PIG PRODUCTION OF TITUS ANDRONICUS
You haven’t seen Shakespeare’s bloody military tale of vengeance and betrayal until you’ve seen it performed by oblivious rodents who have no idea what a play is.
MAKES A GREAT HALLOWEEN COSTUME
Only problem is we’ll also need to make a corresponding “slutty” version of this per the laws of Halloween costumes.
IF HE’S EVER KNIGHTED BY QUEEN ELIZABETH, HE WON’T LOOK RIDICULOUS
You don’t want to show up to your own knighting in a pair of cargo shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. You gotta dress for the job you want.
IT’S AN EGO BOOST
Let’s be honest: being a guinea pig is a humbling experience. But give one of them a suit of armor? Now he’s the guinea pig Tony Stark. He’ll go from being depressed and reading self-help books to driving around his cage in a miniature Lamborghini wearing a really nice tiny suit, wining and dining tons of lady guinea pigs.
DEEP DOWN, ALL GUINEA PIGS WANT TO LOOK LIKE HOMELESS ARMADILLOS
Make their dreams come true.
GIVES THEM SOMETHING TO DO
A guinea pig’s day involves eating hay and going to the bathroom. Now you can add LARPing Game of Thrones to that list.
THEY CAN FIGHT BACK AGAINST LITTLE KIDS WHO HURT SMALL ANIMALS
Unsheath your toothpick sword and give those future serial killers hell, Brave Guinea Pig Warrior.
THEY CAN DISCOVER THE NEW WORLD
I don’t care who’s wearing it, that’s a conquistador’s helmet. Put that on a guinea pig and he’ll be ready to sail across the Atlantic to give a bunch of natives small pox.
GIVES THEM A FIGHTING CHANCE AGAINST A GUY WHO WORKS AT MEDIEVAL TIMES
If somebody challenges your guinea pig to a street-joust, he’ll be ready.
Don’t have $10 G’s to blow? Go to http://www.mgpr.org/ to donate to the Metropolitan Guinea Pig Rescue. It’s a good cause that helps animals in need.