Meet the New President of Iran

hassan_rouhaniOn Saturday, Hassan Rouhani was elected president of Iran. Here’s what we know about our newest world leader:

*Goal is to have yellow cake uranium in every household by 2016.

* Can eat a whole box of Entenmann’s Chocolate Chip Cookies in like, 2 minutes.

* Ran as the “moderate” candidate, which in Iran means he thinks that if you oppose the government only you should be tortured and killed, not your whole family.

* Is a cleric, which best I can tell means he’s one of the weird priest-guys from the first act of 300. Or maybe he does office stuff? I’m too lazy to Google it.

* Will report to Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, who reports to Director of Corporate Development Dave Mendolson. That guy reports directly to Palpatine.

* Was a huge fan of American cinema until the third Harold and Kumar movie. He could see those guys getting into crazy situations twice, but three times? Man, now you’re just pushing the limits of believability.

* Plans to boost economic development? Let’s just say you shouldn’t be shocked if a couple of guys named Dave and Buster pop up pretty soon in Tehran.

* Goes by the nickname “Persian Francis Ford Coppola.

* Like most Americans, he too doesn’t know the difference between his country and Iraq.

* A staggering 18 million Iranians voted for him. Even more impressive? Only 16 million were voting at gunpoint.

* Still thinks LeBron is a dick for “The Decision.”

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