Move Over, Dogs: Freakishly Small Horses Are Now the Best Animal to Aid the Blind

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI was hanging out between shows recently, talking to a fellow comic and a staff member from the club we were performing at. As we were casually chatting, a man with a seeing eye dog walked past us into the club (the guy wasn’t blind – I can only assume he was training the pup). We briefly discussed seeing eye dogs before someone piped up, “You know they’re using miniature horses to guide blind people now?”

Did you hear that? Horses are being used to lead the blind. If you’re blind, you get a horse. Call me crazy, but after I heard that….I kind of want to go blind. Sure, I won’t be able to see anything, but I’ll have a better shot at winning the Kentucky Derby than I ever did when my eyes worked. Plus having a horse would make the center of attention in literally any social situation I can think of. Party? You talk to the guy with the horse. Library? Put your book down and talk to the guy with the horse. Holocaust museum? Remove your hat, bow your head respectfully, then talk to the guy with the kickass mini-horse. Where did he get that thing? Is it like one of those Russian dolls, where it came out of a bigger horse? You’re not sure, but what you are sure of is that it’s more fascinating than Holocaust stuff.

I am glad they’re using miniature horses, though. According to the Guide Horse Foundation (yep, that’s a real thing), using large horses as guides is a bad idea because “large guide animals…can create a hazard for the public when used in an inappropriate setting for an animal of that size.” I appreciate their explanation, but they could’ve just said, “You shouldn’t use big horses because we don’t want a cavalry led by blind people released on an unsuspecting populace.” Could you imagine a city full of blind horseback riders? Basically, it’d be like having a society filled with centaurs who always bump into stuff. So mini-horses are the way to go. I just hope nobody gets scammed. You don’t want any blind guys being led around town by two midgets in a costume, waiting for the perfect moment to rob their trusting “owner.”

Seeing-eye horses will be good for everyone. It’s a win-win. Why? Well, for one, they’ll help the blind. And two, they’ll make me laugh every time I see them. Can you imagine seeing one of those things and not cracking up? I mean, just look at the picture I posted. They’re like the Danny DeVito of the animal kingdom. The stuff they’ll make blind people have to say should be pretty entertaining, too. “Don’t even tell me how much shit I’ve stepped in.” “Has he eaten that carrot I had hanging in front of him yet?” “Wait…you’re telling me this is a horse?!?!” The idea of small horses just randomly walking around town will make everyone feel better. If someone enacts a law making them dress like their respective owners, even better. I want to see a mini-horse wearing a tux guiding its blind guy to his seats at the opera.

It will also be good because we can finally stop feeling bad for blind people. Yes, they’re still handicapped, but they get their own horse. Life can’t be that bad, can it? I want a really smart animal to compensate for one of my shortcomings. I can’t swim. Does that mean I get a dolphin? Also, my 40 time is pretty weak. Can I get a cheetah? Or how about this: I wear glasses. Can I get a mini-horse?

So for blind people’s sake, for comedy’s sake, and for mini-horses’ sake, I fully endorse the idea of the seeing-eye horse. I don’t know why they’re stopping there though. How about turning other small-to-medium sized animals into PAs for the blind. How about sloths? Especially for older folks. They’re slow-moving anyway. Put a sloth in charge of the operation and not much is changing. Or how about my personal favorite idea: seeing-eye monkeys? How has no one thought of this yet? Monkeys are pretty much just dumb humans, so it’s like we’d be giving blind people their own personal butlers who will never question any order they give. You could probably convince ’em to rob banks. A blind guy with a monkey helping him is getting more accomplished in a day then 90% of the general population, I guarantee you. I can’t tell you how many more jokes I’d be able to write if I had a monkey to pick up my dry cleaning.

You heard it here first, gang: the seeing-eye monkey is going to revolutionize the seeing-eye animal game. If you run with this idea, all I ask is that you give me credit. And make sure the chimps all wear suits. We want them looking classy out there.

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