Spoiler Alert: Man of Steel

SupermanMan of Steel opens at midnight tomorrow and the film makes several changes to the established Superman canon: the character of Jimmy Olsen has been replaced with a woman named Jenny Olsen, and the editor of the Daily Planet, Perry White, will for the first time be portrayed by a black actor (Laurence Fishburne). After seeing an advanced screening of the film, I’m here to report there are several more changes to Supes’ well-known story:

* Lex Luthor replaced with Donald Trump.

* Instead of Kryptonite, Superman has a weakness for bar karaoke. Every Wednesday at 9 he goes to the Metropolis’ Buffalo Wild Wings and belts out the 1992 Annie Lennox hit “Walking on Broken Glass.”

* To make him more realistic, Brainiac is now just a smart, really condescending IT guy Clark has to call to fix his computer.

* Lois is a tranny. Pre-op. Clark doesn’t find out ’til he gets a handful. Believe you me, it gets pretty ugly.

* Superman’s head is now shaved, with his trademark spit curl being the only left on his head.

* During his planet’s destruction, Jor-El totally bitches out: he panics, cries, and begs the Gods to “Take my wife and son instead of me! I don’t want to die!” He even tries to get in his son’s miniature escape pod.

* Superman and Batman end up meeting at a coffee shop to talk about their dates like George and Jerry did on Seinfeld. Also they make a bet to see who can go the longest without jerking off. Now that I think about it, the whole movie is pretty much just an endless string of recycled Seinfeld plots but with Superman and Batman.

* Blatant product placement: General Zod is renamed “General Izod.” He terrorizes the citizens of Earth dressed in reasonably priced polo shirts.

* To be more progressive, Ma and Pa Kent are replaced with a lesbian couple known as Ma and Janice Kent.

* Instead of being a reporter for the Daily Planet, Superman’s secret identity is that of edgy stand-up comic Clark “Dice” Kent.

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