Revelations from the NSA Whistleblower

magnifying glassA rogue NSA agent exposed two of the agency’s surveillance programs that  gave the agency access to phone and Internet records for millions of innocent American citizens. As news of the leak emerges, here are some surprising findings and details from the aftermath:  

* 75% of all phone calls are just really disturbing heavy breathing.

* The CIA is targeting 97% of all YouTube commenters for assassination.

* Based on a detailed analysis of phone records obtained through a highly illegal federal search, it’s been way too long since you’ve called your Mom.

* All the boys down at the NSA offices were really impressed with the Spring break pics of Ohio State sophomore Becky Zuniga. All the shots are just super classy and really tastefully done.

* Expected GAO probe on federal misuse of Facebook’s ‘Poke’ button.

* Turns out your boss is waaaaay into hentai.

* Most popular Google searches from Tony Danza’s IP address? “Alyssa Milano home address,” “What is Angela from Who the Boss up to these days,” “Who ended up really being the Boss on Whos the Boss,” and “Angela from Whos the Boss real name.”

* In a stunning show of social progress, Facebook chat transcripts reveal most Americans were really creeped out by Michael Douglas’s portrayal of Liberace not for the frank portrayal of his homosexual lifestyle, but because he looked like a monitor lizard.

* Tweeting in support of Chris Brown automatically gets you added to a federal watch list.

* Google.com was actually just a gigantic advertisement for the Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson vehicle The Internship and will shut down once the film leaves theaters.

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