Welcome to a new feature on the blog I’m calling SPOILER ALERT, in which I go over plot details of upcoming films. Today we’re looking at Fast and the Furious 6 (or as I like to call it, 6 Fast, 6 Furious):
* In order to improve the stiff acting of the two male leads, Paul Walker and Vin Diesel are played by Gary Oldman and Daniel-Day Lewis.
* All pretenses have been dropped and all characters are just called by their real names.
* The plot involves a rogue gang hijacking a military compound followed by the Rock reaching out to Dominic Torretto (Vin Diesel) and his crew for help. Because apparently, when the going gets tough, the U.S. military’s backup plan is, “Let’s just hire some mouth-breathing car thief and his degenerate sidekicks.”
* As the crew plans their scheme, Jason Statham shows up out of nowhere. When asked why, he shrugs and says, “Dunno. Just felt like I should be here.”
* In one scene, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are confronted by the bad guys in a tank. Diesel squints and yells out, “Why don’t you put that tank up against this car? You win, we turn ourselves over. We win, you go home.” The bad guy responds by saying, “Umm no thanks, this is a tank, you’d easily beat us,” and then shoots them with the tank’s giant cannons.
* Michelle Rodriguez returns in a shocking cameo, as her character was believed to be dead. Even more shocking is that the filmmakers act like her resurrection is some kind of big deal, like she’s Gandalf in Two Towers.
* In order to return to the series’ roots and focus more on cars, the film introduces a new character: Tony, a Ford GTO with a heart of gold voiced by Nic Cage.
* After defeating literally every vehicle you can imagine in a race, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker travel to Africa and challenge a cheetah to race his Mustang. “You win, you get to eat us. We win, you abandon your life as a cheetah and become our pet.”
* Everybody just kind of forgets that Jordana Brewster’s character was pregnant in Fast Five, leading to Paul Walker yelling out halfway through, “Oh no! We forgot our kid!” It’s kind of comical for a minute like Home Alone, only in this one when they get home the baby’s dead.
* Weird scene in the middle where one of the stunts actually ends with a car accident. They spend like fifteen minutes showing Vin Diesel exchanging insurance information with a 57 year old Jewish woman. No one is hurt but Zora is pretty shaken up.
* Needing a plane to travel to another part of the country, Vin Diesel gets in his Dodge Charger and offers to race the plane of a rival gang. “You win, we give you $1 million. We win, we get to take your plane and fly direct anywhere in the continental U.S., no layovers.” The plane wins easily.
* The film ends when (SPOILER) the good guys win, but as they’re driving away Vin Diesel responds to a text from the driver’s seat. He then crashes and kills everybody, including Tyrese, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster, Ludacris, the hot Israeli chick, the Asian guy, and the Rock. After a graphic shows some sobering statistics, it turns out the whole film series was intended as a parable warning against the dangers of texting while driving.
* In an absolute ridiculous post-credits scene, the Rock shows up (alive) and tells Vin and his crew (who are also all alive again), “You guys are good. In fact, you’re the best. But we’ve got some new enemies. If you want to help us find them, you’ll have to step your game up.” He then tosses a dossier file on the table in front of them that reveals pictures of Kim Jong Un, Osama bin Laden, and Darth Vader.