Managing the Cicada Invasion

cicadasbroodIIFor the first time in 17 years, the East Coast is preparing for a massive swarm of Brood II cicadas. Here’s are some tips for dealing with these harmless but annoying pests: 

* Make sure all windows are closed when playing Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On. These things are already mating enough, they don’t need more motivation.

* Don a mask and carry a tennis racket with you everywhere you go to swat them out of the air.  Proclaim yourself “Cicada Batman.”

* When one of them takes out its oversized, Zack Morris-style giant cellphone from the mid-90’s, pull out your handheld smartphone and smirk while a bunch of cute chicks fawn over you. Hope he shuffles away in embarrassment.

* Tell your sources within the Obama administration they’ve been educating other cicadas about the Constitution. Wait for inevitable IRS investigation.

* Crack open a couple good books, download some new tunes to the iPod, and stay indoors until February 2014.

* Introduce them to YouTube, ensuring they spend the bulk of their summer watching videos of funny cats or fistfights at IHOP.

*  Loudly announce, “I bet none of you chicken shit cicadas can get to Tierra del Fuego by September!” in the forest and hope they’re cicada enough to take your challenge.

* According to experts, cicadas are low in fat and high in protein. They also taste like shrimp when boiled and peeled. So what seems like a nuisance can actually be converted into a fun, summer time treat! Just be sure to alert everyone know that you’re the type of person who eat bugs so they can stop talking to you, because seriously man, what the fuck? They’re bugs.

* Crush their little spirits by telling them that Arli$$, which debuted on HBO in 1996 during the last invasion and was popular among the coveted Brood II demographic, has long since been cancelled.

* When outdoors, speak ill of gay marriage and pray they are repulsed by your senseless bigotry.

* Go to every pharmacy in the Mid-Atlantic Region. Buy out all the Visine you can afford. Their inability to clear their red eyes should make them self conscious.

* They can’t hurt you, so how ’bout just quit being a little bitch about it?


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