U.S. clothing retailer Abercrombie and Fitch came under fire this week for its practice of excluding plus-sized customers at its stores. In a 2006 interview, CEO and Muppet Mike Jeffires admitted as much: “In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids… Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.”
Many are outraged, but A&F is sticking to its guns. They’ve come up with a number of new marketing ideas to better embrace their elitism. Here are a few of them:
* Placing cakes throughout the store as bait so when the fatties go for it, they’ll be pulled up into a net and taunted by a guy with a six pack.
* All women’s clothes now come in two sizes: anorexic or bullimic.
* Each store will have community college applications for for all those cool A&F customers who peaked in high school.
* Free collagen injections for all toddlers.
* Every checkout counter will have a jar of roofies like restaurants do with mints.
* In every store, cardboard cutouts of the man who symbolizes the epitome of coolness: Arthur Fonzarelli.
* All purchases over $100 come with a complimentary Asian dork to do your math homework for you.
* This has always kind of been an unspoken thing, but just to reiterate and make it official….yeah, no blacks.
* Trap doors in all dressing rooms for customers with a BMI higher than 22.
* Special Edition Blu-rays of the Karate Kid re-edited so it ends with the Cobra Kai murdering Daniel LaRusso and showing his girlfriend what a real man feels like.
* Polo shirts with titanium-strength collars that physically cannot be unpopped.
* No joke for this one, just a statement: Mike Jeffries looks like if Gary Busey fucked Joan Rivers.