Did you know there’s a McDonald’s sandwich known as the “McGangbang?” It’s a combination double cheeseburger mixed with a McChicken sandwich, and it’s only available if you specifically ask for it. To avoid posting calorie counts, many fast food chains offer “secret items” available only upon request. After doing a bit of Internet sleuthing, I found secret menu items from some other fast food joints:
* Burger King’s Chicken Lenders: Sentient chicken tenders that loan you $5 if you ever need cash in a pinch.
* Hardee’s Stevie Boy: The restaurant will send founder Steve Hardees home with you to make you a delicious pot roast.
* Taco Bell’s Ultimate Dorito Experience: To accompany their Doritos Locos Tacos, if you lay down face-up on the counter of any participating Taco Bell and scream “Dorito Me!” a cashier will pour a whole bag of Doritos directly in your mouth.
* Wendy’s Extermi-baconator: A Baconator coated with rat poison for some reason.
* Chipotle’s I Deserve This: After you’re done eating a burrito bowl packed to the brim with fattening garbage, a Chipotle employee will come out of the back and yell at you for being such a fat piece of shit, because you enjoy being degraded, don’t you? Yeah, you do! That’s the only way someone could subject themselves to the indignity of eating such a disgusting amount of food at this goddamn place, you tub of lard! Lick my shoe, scumbag!
* Sonic’s Sonic the Hedgehog Burger: A grilled hedgehog dyed blue on ciabatta bread. It is terrible.
* Pizza Hut’s Tony Baloney Special: A regular pizza where they give you a picture of a fat guy named Tony with the words “Yo this guy had his hands in the dough” written on it.
* Subway’s Fifteen Dollar footlong: This one is just a regular footlong for $10 extra.
* Dunkin’ Donuts “Time to Make the Donuts” Special: If you ask nicely, a Dunkin’ Donuts employee will cheerfully say “Time to Make the Donuts!” before serving you. He will then put a cold Glock in your mouth, blow your brains all over the customer behind you, then turn the gun on himself.
* KFC’s Humane Bucket: For customers who request it, the fried chicken outlet offers chickens that weren’t tortured before slaughter. Of course, if you’re sick, they also offer extra tortured, which are chickens who had to watch their families slaughtered first.
* McDonald’s McGangbang: If you actually order one of these, the manager of the McDonald’s will come out of the back and have a nice long talk with you about where your life went wrong.