New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is trying to improve his city’s health through legislative action. But what’s his next move? Here’s are some upcoming health initiatives for which Bloomberg is advocating:
* By 2020, goal is streets that feature 40% less piss.
* New ordinance will require fast food employees to fat-shame anyone who orders a size above medium.
* Instead of walking to work, everyone will be forced to sprint as they’re targeted by rooftop snipers.
* Street vendors to begin peddling “carrot dogs.”
* Black crime lords will now spend Thanksgiving morning handing out tofurkeys.
* All Middle Eastern cab drivers will spend the entire taxi ride pushing the health benefits of hummus.
* Criminals will now be required by law to drive you to the hospital after they mug and/or rape you.
* Subway posters warning about the dangers of heart disease will give riders a new thing to worry about, replacing the old standard subway fear of getting pushed in front of an oncoming car by some psycho.
* Creamy nougat center of the Statue of Liberty to be cleared out and replaced with rice cakes.
* Crack will now be legal, but only if you mix it with oatmeal.
* Instead of playing instruments or panhandling for change, beggars will be required to instruct street-side yoga classes.
* All hipsters will be rounded up, savagely beaten, and put into internment camps. This one isn’t really a health initiative but we can all agree it’s about high time this went down.