What Are We Looking For in a New Pope?

StPetersBasilicaIt’s been a week since Pope Benedict XVI retired. Cardinals at the Vatican are still deliberating over his replacement. People all over the world were polled on what they’re looking for in a new Pope, and here were some of their responses: 

* The power of flight

* Speed, defense, a rocket arm, and the ability to hit for power or average

* Tolerance and love for all of God’s creatures except anyone who’s been in a Harlem Shake video

* Can do magic, but the card trick kind, not the “ability to heal the lame” kind

* Knows the lyrics to You Can Call Me Al in case he’s ever cast as Chevy Chase in a remake of the video

* Can handle himself on the dance floor, but not to the point where you think he might be gay

* Would be cool if he could beatbox

* Ability to fill awkward silences in all conversations with needless movie trivia. For example, did you know that Christopher Walken almost got the role of Han Solo? How different would that film have been? Right? See, now we’re off on a topic. Awkward silence lifted.

* Should already know how to say the alphabet backwards now because how embarrassing would it be to get a DUI in the Popemobile?

* Has to be able to do at least 9 pull-ups

* Basically anyone who doesn’t think little boys are hot


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