Sequestration is in effect, and the federal government will begin feeling the budget squeeze almost immediately. The question on most people’s minds: how will this affect the average American? Based on initial forecasts, here are some of the impacts the government will experience:
* Due to massive salary cuts, postal workers will see no reason to fight the irresistible urge to look through all your mail.
* The Department of the Treasury to start handing out IOUs.
* All stamps will be replaced by tiny pictures of Ryan Seacrest Scotch-taped to envelopes.
* The CIA and FBI to replace operative training courses by having new recruits watch old episodes of 24.
* U.S. Forest Service will start training bears to be park rangers, since they’re there anyway.
* To raise money, scraps of the Constitution will be sold on eBay.
* FEMA is now just a guy handing out Neosporin out of the back of a van.
* Members of both houses will vote themselves 300% pay raises rather than the standard 500%.
* Number of federally funded G.I. Joe sequels has been cut from 7 to 5. Also, in future films the Rock will be replaced with Stephen Dorff.
* Several projects to improve the aesthetic design of Washington D.C. have been scrapped, including the planned giant bra for the U.S. Capitol building and the giant condom for the Washington Monument.
* The Free Masons will discontinue virgin sacrifices and will just start sacrificing any old slut they can convince to come back to the temple.
* The U.S. Justice Department has been reduced to Steven Seagal and Chuck Norris riding around in a convertible, drinkin’ beers and kickin’ scumbags in the face.
* The U.S. Military had to let go most of their paid consultants, including several retired generals and Batman.
* The IRS is replacing income taxes with a much more casual “pay what you can” policy.
* The FCC to close all of their unnecessary offices, including the Agency for Kardashian-Related Programming and the Department of Shows About Spartacus.