Improving Your Online Dating Profile

computerOnline dating: some view it as a desperate grasp. Others see it as the only alternative to the meat market that is the bar and club scene. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. In reality, it’s just another way to connect with people. No more, no less. But while many successful relationships start online, there are just as many stories of failure.

Headline News attempted to get to the bottom of this by interviewing an online dating expert. With apologies to Fire Joe Morgan, I’m ripping off their blog format and providing my comments  (my thoughts are in plain text, the article is in bold):

Are you frustrated by the lack of action in your online dating profile?

No. They’re frustrated at the lack of action they get as a result of their online dating profile. If you don’t have enough action in your profile itself, just use a picture of Jason Statham and you’ll be good to go.

We paired an online dater with professional matchmaker Dejuan Miller to find out why her profile doesn’t have the dudes knocking on her digital door.

Dejuan doesn’t sound like the name of a professional matchmaker, unless you are trying to match yourself up with the perfect coke dealer.

Dejuan sprinkles some jewels of wisdom on us:

Use fun keywords. Instead of “I like the outdoors,” you could say “adventurous.”

Be careful here. “Adventurous” can be interpreted many ways. Some think, “hiking, rock climbing, or skydiving.” Others think, “whips and all kinds of weird ball gag stuff.” It’s worth the risk of losing your mystique by focusing on clarity over “fun keywords.” There’s nothing “fun” about being chained up in Jame Gumb’s basement.

Don’t be too forward.

Agreed, but don’t be afraid to be a little bit forward. These days, everyone – men and women – tries so hard to be aloof. It’s actually not that bad to occasionally show tempered interest in another person. If the aloofness strategy continues on both sides, before you know it we’re all going to be a society of sexless peacock-people, our proud noses held high in the air looking down at anyone who has the audacity to not be the person we see in the mirror.  Granted, the idea of peacock-people is kind of cool, but a self-obsessed populace is no good for anyone. Plus, who’s going to clean up all those feathers?

Fact-check everyone. Google is a good place to start.

This one is kind of weird, and indicative of the world we now live in. Older couples didn’t have to put up with this. You never hear an old man gather his grandkids around to tell them the magical tale of the time he swept their grandma off her feet after he performed a rigorous background check of her including going through all her photos of ex-boyfriends and Spring Break trips. “It was love at first sight kids…after I verified her place of employment via a trip to her LinkedIn profile.”

Wear colorful clothing in pictures.

Nothing says “I’m irresistible,” like a neon windbreaker.

What does “colorful” clothing even mean? Doesn’t most clothing have color? Okay, so don’t wear a tuxedo or my old denim prison uniform. Got it.

Use pictures with big, bright smiles.

OK, but this won’t really help if you’re ugly. All people will think is, “Why is that ugly person smiling? Does he/she not realize he/she is ugly?” This one should just be, “Don’t be ugly.”

Don’t use pictures taken in bathrooms. You know the ones… holding your cell phone up in front of the mirror.

This is sage advice. I don’t know how anyone who ever takes a cell phone picture in a bathroom gets laid ever. Think about what it communicates to the rest of Planet Earth: “I’m not in enough social situations to have my picture taken A) by someone else or B) outside my bathroom.” The image you’re choosing as your visual representation to the rest of the world was taken right next to the place you go #2.  The metaphor here is obvious.

Show yourself having fun.

Okay, but don’t try too hard on this one. Picture of you with a few friends at a party? Good. Picture of you photobombing a group of strangers at a concert who, by the looks on their faces, clearly don’t know you and are attempting to alert security of your presence? Not so good.

Use clear, REAL photos. Your date doesn’t want to be surprised when you don’t look like your photo and neither do you!

Better life advice – if you have better looking picture of yourself while you were younger, just stay in good shape.

I’ve heard of people using outdated photos, but who doesn’t use a real photo of him or herself? Wouldn’t that be exposed pretty much immediately? “Oh hey, I really enjoy Frisbee golf, Dave Matthews Band, and by the way I’m actually not George Clooney.” Using a real photo seems like obvious advice along the lines of “Don’t agree to meet with people who list their occupation as ‘organ thief.’”

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