Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas from Chris Brown

ChrisBrownIt’s Valentine’s Day. Guys: if you haven’t gotten your girl something yet, you better move fast. But you’re in luck. For today’s guest blog on last minute V-Day gift ideas, I reached out to one of the smoothest guys out there: R&B recording artist Chris Brown. Take it away, Chris: 

Hi everybody! I’m Chris Brown. There’s a few things I really love in this world: singing, dancing, and buying just the right present for my main squeeze on Valentine’s Day. Follow these instructions and your girl will be swooning over you.

Show your girl you care with the old standby of candy (Whitman’s Sampler, $32) and a dozen freshcut roses (FTD.com, $69-$200). Yes, it’s a cliche. But millions of lovebirds can’t be wrong, and it never gets old seeing my gal’s eyes light up when I hand her some beautiful flowers and some sweets to snack on!

Is your girl big on cosmetics? Might I suggest a makeup kit (Covergirl, $55)? Make sure you get all the old standbys in there: lipstick, concealer, blush, concealer, eye shadow, concealer, powder brush, concealer, and concealer. Make sure you get concealer as well. It’s the most romantic day of the year, so she’ll want to be able to cover up any unsightly blemishes she may get if she happens to slip and fall anywhere around the house.

Now, just because she’s a lady doesn’t mean you have to only buy stereotypically feminine gifts. Some girls like it when you appeal to their practical side. That’s why I recommend getting her a First Aid Kit including a cold compress (Johnson and Johnson, $35). It may not have the glitz and glamour of other presents, but she’ll thank you after her head’s hurting from falling down the stairs, or wherever it was she fell. Maybe it was in the kitchen, while I was out with my friends.

I know that sometimes my girl loves nothing better than curling up in a hot bath with a good book. How about getting her some good reading material, like Moby Dick (Amazon.com, $12.99), The Da Vinci Code (Books-a-Million, $15.99) or The Complete List of Ways You Can Get Bruises Other Than Domestic Abuse (Barnes and Noble, $27.99). All are classics, and all are essential reading!

Maybe your lady love fancies herself a fitness buff. Why not buy her a spot in a Body Combat class (Gold’s Gym, $20). The best way to get in shape is to beat yourself up as much as possible. In fact, every day she should come home looking like she just got in a fight. Why not throw in a pair of boxing gloves and a boxing helmet (Sports Authority, $60) while you’re at it? If you’re going to box at the gym, you might as well have the proper equipment, right? And I mean clearly you’ve been boxing when you come home with all those bumps and bruises, right? Right? God, I love you, hon. We love each other so much.

What’s that? Your girl is questioning why you bought her the present you did? In that case, maybe she needs a custom made, leather bound journal to write down what I say so I don’t have to repeat myself, bitch (Etsy, $15). That way, she can have a record of all the points you’ve made to avoid any unsightly miscommunication later on. Also you may want to get her a tape recorder (RadioShack, $29) so she can record your earlier conversations to answer definitively when asked, “Did I stutter bitch? Did I? It’s a simple question. Did. I. Stutter. Da fuck is wrong with you? Get in the gotdamn car, woman, we’ll talk about this when we get home.” 

Is she still not getting it? Well, in that case, how about a haymaker to the fuckin’ jaw (my fists, $0)? That oughta teach her. The best part about this gift is that you won’t have to get an expensive watch (Rolex, $12,000) because bitch will know what time it is.

That should just about cover it. I’ll leave you with two things to remember: 1) It really is the thought that counts. An inexpensive, well thought-out gift with special meaning is better than any diamond ring in the world. And 2) I am a no-good, human dogshit thug who creates derivative garbage masquerading as music.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!

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