The NFL Monday Morning Rinse: Week 17

The Monday Morning Rinse (Art by Elizabeth Reid)The Giants coast, the Jets fail to boast, and for my money the best sandwich is tuna on toast. Here we go, final Rinse of 2012: 

BUCS 22, FALCONS 17
Despite clinching the NFC’s number one seed, Atlanta played their starters but lost anyway. Coach Mike Smith can rest easy though, as the Buccaneers didn’t make the playoffs so Atlanta should be fine.

BRONCOS 38, CHIEFS 3
The loss mathematically eliminates Kansas City from playoff contention in 2013 and 2014.

BILLS 28, JETS 9
This game probably marks the last game of coach Chan Gailey’s Buffalo tenure. Always thought his name sounded made up. Like someone asks a guy named Dan Bailey his name, but he doesn’t want to give it, so he makes something up that sounds similar. “My name? Umm…..Ch-an….Gailey? Chan Gailey. Yes, that’s the one. That is definitely my name.”

BENGALS 23, RAVENS 17
Both teams sat their starters, treating them like Fabrege eggs to avoid injury. Afterwards Marvin Lewis personally carried WR A.J. Green out of the stadium via piggyback ride.

BEARS 26, LIONS 24
“We did it!” screamed Bears QB Jay Cutler. “I knew we could make the playoffs! All we need now is for the Vikings to lose and we’re go-”

VIKINGS 37, PACKERS 34
“….FUCK!” finished Cutler.

TITANS 38, JAGUARS 20
At 2-14, this was the Jaguars worst season in franchise history. Jacksonville plans to improve by adding terrible QB Tim Tebow because….Jacksonville is located in Bizarro World, apparently?

COLTS 28, TEXANS 16
Much like Lance Armstrong’s “Livestrong” campaign before it, the “Chuckstrong” campaign came to a crashing halt after the win, as it was revealed Indy coach Chuck Pagano used the help of medical drugs in his battle against leukemia.

PANTHERS 44, SAINTS 38
Before the game Sean Payton was awarded a lucrative extension, making the path forward for every NFL coach clear: get your team to hurt people for money then get suspended for a year.

GIANTS 42, EAGLES 7
Despite being eliminated from playoff contention shortly after the win, the Giants were able to make some solid evaluations for next year on players like WR Reuben Randle, FB Henry Hynoski, and vendor Ken Mortz, who was able to sell 15 hot dogs in like ten minutes. He pretty much parked near one really fat guy for most of the second quarter, but nevertheless, his results were impressive.

STEELERS 24, BROWNS 10
The win pulled Pittsburgh to 8-8, avoiding a losing season. Is it just me, or was this team better when Roethlisberger was sexually assaulting?

CHARGERS 24, RAIDERS 21
San Diego sent their coach out with a bang, winning Norv Turner’s last game. Turner said he would welcome the chance to serve as an offensive coordinator somewhere, although he couldn’t commit to anything as his face is interviewing with the Moon next week for a position as a part of its surface.

49ERS 27, CARDINALS 13
San Francisco clinched the number two seed and a bye week. Coach Jim Harbaugh said he plans to take the team’s quarterbacks on a nice vacation. He was unsure where, but he did say he’d let Alex Smith ride shotgun until they stop and he gets out to stretch his legs, at which point Colin Kaepernick will get the passenger seat and Smith will be forced to ride bitch.

SEAHAWKS 20, RAMS 13
Seattle enters the playoffs scalding hot, winning 7 of their last 8 and also forgetting to turn the furnace off.

REDSKINS 28, COWBOYS 18
The loss eliminates Dallas from the playoffs for yet another year. Jerry Jones was so frustrated afterwards he fired Jerry Jones, the GM, and hired himself, Jerry Jones the owner, as new GM. “It wasn’t working out with Jerry Jones, the GM,” said Jones, “so as the owner of this team, I have to take on this job.” When asked to clarify, Jones said, “Jerry Jones the GM is out. Jerry Jones the owner is in as GM. Now I’m back in, except this time the owner version of myself is taking the job. It’s not the same, it’s different.” Jones then threw a stack of papers in the reporters faces before they could question him further and hightailed it the hell out of there.

PATRIOTS 28, DOLPHINS 0
Afterwards Coach Joe Philbin addressed the press as his pimp character, “Big Daddy” Philbin for the final time this season: “Obviously, we’re disappointed with the loss. We felt like we made great strives this year, on both sides of the ball, but to finish with a losing record is tremendously disappointing.” Philbin then paused and took a sip from a massive gold chalice with the word PIMP written in sparkling letters on the side of it. “We knew we were out coming into the game, but that they had something to play for, so we wanted to play spoiler. Unfortunately it wasn’t in the cards.” Philbin again paused, blew his nose into his feather boa, and continued. “One thing I will guarantee you is that we will continue to fight. The Miami Dolphins under Joe Philbin will be fighters.” Philbin emerged from behind the podium to reveal he was bareass. His voice strengthened with resolve. “The offense is going to continue to make drives. The defense is going to stop drives, and Goddamnit, Big Daddy gon’ continue to pop pussies. Believe dat.” Philbin then stared at the assembled press corps in silence until each one of them left.

That’s it for the NFL Monday Morning Rinse, 2012 edition. Thanks for stopping by. Check back here next year, and every year for all eternity, for the #1 recap of all the week’s NFL action. 

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