FALCONS 31, LIONS 18
Calvin Johnson set the NFL record for receiving yards in a season, passing Jerry Rice. Johnson was almost asked to become the new face of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat, except both Johnson and the rice company agreed “Johnson-A-Roni” would sound too much like a penis thing.
SAINTS 34, COWBOYS 31
When asked if he’d coach the Cowboys next year should they miss the playoffs and fire Jason Garrett, New Orleans coach Sean Payton responded by saying, “That’s ridiculous!” He then turned to Dallas owner Jerry Jones, who he hangs out with regularly, and said, “You hearing this Jerry?”
PACKERS 55, TITANS 7
Whoever started Ryan Grant (80 yards, 2 touchdowns) in their fantasy Super Bowl this week: no one’s impressed by you.
COLTS 20, CHIEFS 13
Andrew Luck set the rookie passing record despite the fact that earlier this week the team accidentally left him in Indianapolis and he had to set a bunch of booby traps around the stadium to defend it from an invading Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci.
CHARGERS 27, JETS 17
Tim Tebow refused to enter the game when the Jets called for a Wildcat package. Tebow will likely escape criticism for this insubordination because if Jesus is cool with it, who are we to judge?
REDSKINS 27, EAGLES 20
If any Philadelphia newspapers need a headline for when the Eagles inevitably cut Nick Foles, I’d recommend they use some version of THE EAGLES EX-FOLE-IATE.
BENGALS 13, STEELERS 10
Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin was surprisingly upbeat after his team was eliminated from playoff contention: “Finally – I can use January to catch up on DVR!” remarked a smiling Tomlin. His face and tone then turned grave. “If anyone spoils the season finale of Homeland for me, I swear to fuck I will lose my shit.”
RAVENS 33, GIANTS 14
The Giants playoff hopes are slim but existant. All they need in Week 17 is: a win versus Philly, a Minnesota loss, a Chicago loss, a Cowboys loss, and due to a really, really complicated tiebreaker, a Peyton Manning rushing touchdown followed by him leading the entire Broncos offensive line in the Cupid Shuffle
DOLPHINS 24, BILLS 10
Afterwards Coach Joe Philbin addressed the press as his pimp character, “Big Daddy” Philbin: “Looks like Santa brought us a win this year. He also bought me a bundtcake made by Mrs. Philbin and a pile of Thai strippers to bury myself in. Hope those strippers enjoy dining on said bundtcake, because I ain’t takin’ ’em out to purchase additional foodstuffs!”
RAMS 28, BUCS 13
If the team wins and finishes over .500 next week, coach Jeff Fisher has promised to take them out for a pizza and a showing of Django Unchained. If they lose? Oatmeal and Les Miserables.
PANTHERS 17, RAIDERS 6
When asked what he said to an official to earn an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty, Cam Newton responded, “I told him I enjoyed his mother’s pie. I realize I should have clarified: his mom had made me a really nice banana cream pie that I really enjoyed when I ate it at her house last week. Right before I had sex with her.”
PATRIOTS 23, JAGUARS 16
This one was like a flatulent guy on a crowded subway car: way closer than it should have been.
VIKINGS 23, TEXANS 6
The Vikings resurgence has inspired QB Christian Ponder to go by his given name of Muslim Speculate.
BRONCOS 34, BROWNS 12
“It was a good win, but there’s still work to be done next week,” said a stoic Peyton Manning afterwards. “Win to solidify a bye. Get our offense on the same page. Have me run in a TD then lead the entire offensive line in a rousing rendition of the Cupid Shuffle so the Giants can get in the playoffs.”
BEARS 28, CARDINALS 13
Coach Lovie Smith again bemoaned the lack of support from Chicago fans. “I’ve never heard us booed so loud!” exclaimed an angry Smith after the win. “We go out there, hang 28 on ’em, win with our backs against the wall, and how do they show their appreciation? Not only do they boo us, they cheer for the Cardinals! I give up on these piece of shit fans, man. Fuck them. Fuck all these Benedict Arnold motherfuckers.” When informed that the game was in Phoenix, not Chicago, the too-proud-to-admit-his-mistakes Smith said, “Yeah! Well…fuck all Arizona area Bears fans, then!”
SEAHAWKS 42, 49ERS 13
All NFC opponents are terrified to play Seattle, both because they’ve outscored their last three opponents 150-30 and because rumor has it Invesco Field is haunted by g-g-g-g-ghosts!
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
Santa will probably come, unless you killed somebody or made a shitty movie.
That’s it for Week 16. Check back here next week, and every week, for the hap-hap-happiest recap of all the NFL action since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Fuckin’ Kaye.