Ruining A Charlie Brown Christmas with Logistical Questions

Charlie BrownOne of my favorite Christmas-themed TV shows? A Charlie Brown Christmas. It’s funny, sincere, and it has a solid message. That said, I’m still going to pick it apart with logistical questions: 

* We open with Charlie upset over the fact that no one sent him a Christmas card. Who likes getting Christmas cards? If all my friends with families stopped sending me pictures of their ugly kids wearing matching sweaters, I’d learn to deal.

* Charlie gets mad at Snoopy for decorating his dog house. Lucy gets mad at Snoopy for mimicking her. Shouldn’t these people be amazed they know a dog capable of rational and critical thought? How do they react to this beautiful creature’s expression of human-like emotions with anything about wonderment and joy?

* Along the same lines: Schroeder is like, an 8 year old kid playing Beethoven beautifully. Why isn’t everyone acknowledging this? The kid’s an amazing talent. No wonder Lucy wanted to give him that gushie.

* During the part where Linus asks Lucy for a good reason to rehearse his lines in the play, and Lucy responds by threatening him with a fist, saying, “I’ll give you five good reasons,” was anyone else hoping Linus’s face would grow contorted from rage, he’d say, “Fuck this noise!” then rear back and sock her one?

* The main theme is how holiday materialism depresses Charlie Brown. How is this different from everyone else? So Charlie Brown hates the pressure of buying gifts for people he barely likes? Join the club.  Pretty sure and Internet porn could take care of at least 75% of Chuck’s holiday-centric depression.

* If Lucy were around today, she wouldn’t be a psychiatrist. But what would she be? My guess: writer for Jezebel. She’d write mind-numbing posts about slut-shaming, the “evil patriarchy,” and other such gobbledygook those lovely hens squawk about.

* As much as we all hate Lucy, Sally wins the award for Biggest Bitch for her ridiculous letter to Santa as well as this line: “All I want is what’s coming to me. All I want is my fair share.” Sounds like an Obama voter to me. Before you know it her wish list will include free birth control.

* The more I think about it, the more I realize that most of the female Peanuts characters are terrible. If I was a woman I’d be pissed at the lack of a positive female character. Sally is a needy idiot. Lucy is a huge C U Next Tuesday (Sorry, but even I can’t type that one out here. My Mom reads this thing). The only redeemable females on the show are Peppermint Patty and Marcie, and they’ve got some weird dom/sub thing going on I don’t even want to get into right now.

* Why was Charlie the director of the Christmas play? Seems like a pedestrian pick to me. How about we go with Schroeder, who at least understands some type of art/performance. Or Linus. He seems like he’d be an auteur who’d go with some avant-garde choices. I imagine a Linus Nativity would play like a Lars Von Trier movie, with Joseph and Mary having a graphic, non-simulated sex while the baby Jesus teams up the Three Kings to murder Santa Claus, who’s there for some reason.

* Not to sound like all the other dicks Charlie claims to be friends with, but why DIDN’T he get a decent tree? Was it outside the budget? In that case, how is that Charlie’s fault? And if they had enough money, why didn’t he just get one that wasn’t sickly? That thing looked like it had tree AIDS.

* Linus’s speech about “what Christmas is REALLY all about” at the end – that’s weird now, right? The whole Jesus aspect of Christmas is kind of swept under the rug by society nowadays; if Linus tried to pull this stunt now he’d be met with everyone rolling their eyes and doing the jerkoff motion.


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