BENGALS 34, EAGLES 13
The win vaulted the much maligned Bengals franchise into first place in the AFC North. Upon hearing this, the team all wept and assumed the fetal position, as they’ve developed a crippling fear of success.
FALCONS 34, GIANTS 0
With the division lead and a playoff spot hanging in the balance, the Giants picked a hell of a game to not show up. And they literally did not show up, allowing a local high school team to take their place as they attended a screening of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.
PACKERS 21, BEARS 13
Green Bay clinched their second straight NFC North title. When asked for his reaction, Brett Favre told reporters, “Before we rush to judgement, let’s wait and see on this Rodgers kid before we call him the Second Coming of Me.”
REDSKINS 38, BROWNS 21
With Kirk Cousins replacing RGIII, and the pressure mounting, Washington submitted yet another December dud as the same old Redskins fail to deliver a….hold on a second, did they actually win? Shit. Well, good for them.
DOLPHINS 24, JAGS 3
Afterwards Coach Joe Philbin addressed the press as his pimp character, “Big Daddy” Philbin: “With our team at 6-8 and no playoff hopes in sight, it might be time for me to drop this silly character I’ve been doing all year. I’m not really a pimp.” Philbin then picked up a suitcase labeled PIMP SHIT and displayed it for the crowd. “These here is my pimp props. I’ve packed ’em all up, and I’m putting them away.” The suitcase then accidentally snapped open, and out came a feather boa, a pair of handcuffs, lube, a dog collar, three mink coats, a cowboy hat, a ladder, a telescope, three McCain/Palin 2008 buttons, one of the Kardashian sisters, a half empty tube of IcyHot, a Dan Marino jersey, Dan Marino wearing a ball gag, and copies of the entire 1996 Encyclopedia Britannica. Philbin, with a shocked expression on his face, immediately collected the items and put them back in the suitcase. “My apologies everyone,” muttered Philbin quietly. “And if it makes you feel any better, only the telescope and the Britannica were used for butt stuff.”
VIKINGS 36, RAMS 22
Christian Ponder submitted a turnover free game despite critics claiming his relationship with ESPN sideline reporter Samantha Steele is a distraction. “I have this trick,” said Ponder afterwards, “where I just imagine my receivers are Sam. That way I know I’ll get them the ball, because I know I’ll never let her down.” An apparently dazed Ponder then asked TE Kyle Rudolph, “Where you wanna get dinner, Babe?”
SAINTS 41, BUCS 0
This was the first New Orleans shutout since 1995. Interim coach Joe Vitt rewarded the defense with hearty slaps on the back and cold hard cash, as the only way he knows how to show validation.
BRONCOS 34, RAVENS 17
Ravens fans are now in agreement: Joe Flacco’s unibrow is actually pretty fucked up when you think about it.
TEXANS 29, COLTS 17
The Texans are looking at homefield advantage throughout the playoffs if they win out. This has the team very worried as they haven’t cleaned the place in ages.
SEAHAWKS 50, BILLS 17
The Seahawks became the third NFL team in history to score 50 in consecutive weeks. To commemorate this historic achievement, the team will be honored in a ceremony by rapper 50 Cent and will release a limited-edition DVD honoring the event titled The 2012 Seattle Seahawks: Have A Baby By Me Baby Be a Millionaire.
CARDINALS 38, LIONS 10
Matthew Stafford was terrible, throwing three interceptions for Detroit. “That’s about as bad as I can play,” said Stafford. Responding collectively with a, “Nah, not really,” was every Detroit fan who’s watched him play.
PANTHERS 31, CHARGERS 7
Mike Tolbert burned his former team for two touchdowns in the most boring revenge subplot since I took a dollar off that TGI Friday waiter’s tip for bringing me Diet Coke instead of Coke.
COWBOYS 27, STEELERS 24
In this week’s Battle of the Bandwagons, Dallas came out victorious. Next week’s Battle? Gangnam Style versus Lincoln’s Golden Globe chances.
RAIDERS 15, CHIEFS 0
“It’s extremely hard to shut anybody out. It doesn’t matter who they are. That’s an accomplishment that we take great pride in,” boasted Raiders coach Dennis Allen afterwards. Other things Allen takes pride in? Tying his shoes, getting Park Place in the McDonald’s Monopoly game, and receiving free samples at Costco.
49ERS 41, PATRIOTS 34
After his team withstood a 28 point comeback from New England, Niners WR Michael Crabtree was defiant: “We can win a shootout. Whatever it takes, that’s our motto.” When asked to clarify what he meant by whatever, Crabtree clarified, “That means playing dirty, cheating, steroids. Using weapons. Paying other players to take dives. Butt stuff. What. Ev. Er.”
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Jets will find a way to outlast the Titans. Having no other options at quarterback, Rex Ryan will pull Mark Sanchez and insert himself. He will play inspired ball when one of the team’s psychologists urges him to imagine the ball is actually his wife’s foot.
That’s it for week 15. Check back here next week, and every week, for a recap of all the NFL action. Also, go find some people you care about and give them a big old hug.