4 Steps on How to Play a Convincing Santa Claus

SantaMy Mom is organizing her and my Dad’s neighborhood Christmas party. The theme is “Cookies with Santa” and it’s mainly for the kids. She asked me to play Santa. At first I was hesitant, but the way I figure it, if someone who let you live in their belly for nine months asks you a favor, you do it! 

I’ve never done this before, but I think it’s going to be fun. Today I’m going to talk about my strategy for playing an effective Santa. Maybe it will work. Maybe not. Either way, it’s going to be a good time: 

Step 1: Use the Method Acting Approach. This is one of the most beloved characters of all time, and it’s critical to show him respect. To properly prepare, I’ve spent the last two weeks pretending I’m Santa during every social interaction. I’m Daniel Day-Lewising it up. I went to a bar last week and ordered nothing but egg nog. I went to Target, stood in the toy aisle, then loudly announced within ear shot of several Target employees that “my elves and I could do a LOT better than this shit!” They all just looked at me, confused. Probably because I wasn’t wearing the Santa costume at the time, but still.

Step 2: Put on Some Weight. In order to make my stomach into a veritable “bowl full of jelly,” I’ve been carbo-loading like crazy. Bread, potatoes, pasta. I’ve been to McDonald’s by my house so much I’m on a first name basis with the drive-thru guy, Rodrigo.  Last week I went to Safeway holding a giant spoon, cut them a blank check, and told them, “I’ll be with the ice cream. Just count the empty cartons when I’m done and write an amount that’s fair.”

Step 2: Nail the Voice. When it comes to how Santa speaks, he’s always been known for having something of a booming lilt. So I thought, what originality can I bring to this depiction of the character? Then it hit me: what better voice to use for Santa than the Bane voice? No one’s ever done this before! (And before you say, “That’s not original. You’re still using speaking like a character invented by someone else.” To that I say: you’re probably not in show business, so you can’t judge. When you’re some kind of entertainer who brings joy to the masses, then come talk to me).

The Bane voice is the perfect voice for Santa. It’s deep and commanding, but it’s also charming with a slightly wordly, British affectation. Plus, I can use Bane quotes to say stuff Santa might say. For example:

“Only then, will you have my permission to die (from excitement, over all these great presents I brought you!)” 

“It doesn’t matter who we are, what matters is our plan (to bring joy and wonderment to the children of Planet Earth!)”

“Or perhaps they’re wondering why you’d shoot a man before throwing him out of a plane? (umm…there’s no way to positively spin this, so…Merry Christmas!)” 

Step 3: I’m Not Showing Up Hungover. It’s the holidays, so that means there are lots of holiday parties going on. And as an entertainer/sex symbol, I’m expected to make appearances at a number of high profile social events. That said, I’m not drinking a damn thing the night before this. I can’t play Santa with a hangover. Can you imagine how much it would ruin a kid’s life if he had to watch Santa vomit into a stocking? I can see it now:

What’s your name, little one? Stevie? And what do you want for Christmas this year, Stevie? Uh huh…uh huh….ok look, Stevie? How about you hold that thought, Santa can feel a wicked beer shit coming on. Let’s put a pin in this. I’m not sure why I told you I had to take a shit, but there you go, it’s out in the open now. 

Step 4: Stay in Character. No matter what happens, I’m Santa all day. If the kids ask where the reindeer are, I’ll tell them they’re stuck in sky traffic. If they ask where Mrs. Claus is, I’ll tell them me and her are kind of on a break right now, and she’s at her sister’s place ’til things blow over. And if they pull my beard off, I’ll tell them I shaved my beard and am donating it to a North Pole funds for elves who can’t grow their own beards. It gets cold up there, so everybody deserves a beard to keep their face warm.

If the kid doesn’t buy that, I’ll just mush his face with my palm and say, “Santa isn’t real, bitch.”

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