BRONCOS 26, RAIDERS 13
Another game, another record for Peyton Manning, who converted his 5,000 career completion. Next week, Manning will add to his unmatched record of “Most Games Having a Really Red Forehead.”
RAMS 15, BILLS 12
Despite playing their home games in a dome, the Rams were able to win in the harsh, cold weather of Buffalo. The team combated the cold with plenty of hot cocoa on the sidelines. This kept them warm although multiple members of the team vomited profusely due to the fact that hot chocolate is a terrible thing to drink during an athletic contest.
COWBOYS 20, BENGALS 19
The Cowboys won in the face of horrible tragedy. “It’s a hard, hard situation we’re in,” said Tony Romo. “There’s no playbook for this sort of thing in life.” It should be noted that if there was a life playbook for this sort of thing, Dallas coach would inevitably call the wrong play.
BROWNS 30, CHIEFS 7
The Browns 23 point margin of victory was their largest in nine years. Before this, the 2003 Browns got together every year for a champagne toast to celebrate their 11/16/2003 38 point victory over the Cardinals. Now that shit’s ended.
PANTHERS 30, FALCONS 20
Atlanta was probably distracted by the fact that Hannukah began Saturday, and they had no idea what to get TE Tony Gonzalez who convinced the team he was Jewish to get 8 times the normal amount of presents.
COLTS 27, TITANS 23
With the Colts on the cusp of making a playoff run after an inspirational season, it would probably be a bad time to tell them that Chuck Pagano’s been faking it just to motivate them.
VIKINGS 21, BEARS 14
Adrian Peterson had a monster day with 154 yards, 2 touchdowns, and a fantastic compliment when he told teammate Christian Ponder that his shirt looked awesome (Ponder had been pensive about how others perceived his somewhat audacious new silk shirt).
CHARGERS 34, STEELERS 24
The return of Ben Roethlisberger didn’t help much. “This may mean the Steelers need to go back to Charlie Batch at quarterback,” said Charlie Batch and absolutely no one else.
EAGLES 23, BUCS 21
This is the first Eagles win since September. Afterwards QB Nick Foles said, “It’s a great win, too, because we came back. We were winning, then we lost the lead.” Due to this brilliant analysis Foles has been offered a lifetime contract by the NFL Network and Mensa membership.
REDSKINS 31, RAVENS 28
RG3’s status for next week is uncertain as he was injured in the victory. In case he doesn’t play, the team has asked fans to remain consistent in their QB naming convention by referring to backup Kirk Cousins as KC1.
49ERS 27, DOLPHINS 13
Afterwards Coach Joe Philbin addressed the press as his pimp character, “Big Daddy” Philbin: “”We’re 5-8. Some coaches would be pissed when they realize there’s no way their team can finish over .500. Not me. 500’s my lucky number because that’s the combined weight of my entire stable of hoes. If you don’t believe me, grab a scale and come down into my ho lair and I’ll show you. And don’t worry, the term ‘ho lair’ sounds kind of scary, but rest assured my hoes have plenty of drinks and snacks down there. They even got a foosball table. We should all be so lucky, right?”
JETS 17, JAGS 10
New York won by establishing a solid running attack and replacing Mark Sanchez with a scarecrow wearing a Jets jersey.
SEATTLE 58, CARDINALS 0
Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt was nonplussed after the embarrassing defeat. “How can I care about a football game at a time like this? I haven’t even bought one of Tony Gonzalez’s eight Hannukah presents yet!”
GIANTS 52, SAINTS 27
RB David Wilson finally got out of Tom Coughlin’s doghouse for his week 1 fumble, accumulating 327 total yards and a touchdown. Coughlin showed his approval for Wilson’s effort by walking past Wilson’s locker, slightly grimacing, nodding curtly, and walking away before he yelled at him for something else.
PACKERS 27, LIONS 20
Having shaved his ghastly mustache, Aaron Rodgers led his team to victory. The story doesn’t end well for everyone, however, as Rodgers’ discarded mustache was later arrested for a DUI.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Texans will edge the Patriots and challenge their stranglehold on being the AFC’s top team. In a show of dominance, Gary Kubiak will order his team to urinate on the field to show the Patriots that this conference belongs to them now.
That’s it for this week. Check back here next week, and every week for a recap of all the NFL action so good it’ll send you careening off the side of the fiscal cliff! (I still don’t understand what that thing is.)