The NFL Monday Morning Rinse: Week 13

The Monday Morning Rinse (Art by Elizabeth Reid)The Patriots clinch, the Bills win in a cinch, and on Boardwalk Empire, Lucky Luciano got pinched (None of the other games fit with the ‘-inch’ rhyme scheme). Let’s take a look back at week 13: 

FALCONS 23, SAINTS 13
Despite losing the “big brother” label they had over Atlanta, Saints’ players  still lined up afterwards to give the entire Falcons team a collective noogie.

BILLS 34, JAGUARS 18
Ryan Fitzpatrick came through with a clutch performance despite critics calling for his starting job. “I was so worried I’d get benched,” said Fitzpatrick, “I took CPA classes online. So while I’m glad we won, now I’ve got this useless accounting degree. Talk about a waste of money!”

SEAHAWKS 23, BEARS 17
Sidney Rice caught the game-winning TD in overtime from Russell Wilson. Rice was hit so hard on the play, however, he asked everyone to call him by his given name of Melbourne Pilaf.

COLTS 35, LIONS 33
With his eighth win, Andrew Luck has become the winningest rookie number one overall pick. When told this, Peyton Manning simply shrugged and ran his hand through his hair in a way that prominently displayed his Super Bowl ring.

PACKERS 23, VIKINGS 14
Despite falling behind Seattle in the NFC wild card race, Minnesota coach Leslie Frazier advised, “There’s no need to panic.” Frazier paused, then added, “Of course, I’m on a shit ton of Valium, so easy for me to say.”

JETS 7, CARDINALS 6
The scoring log on this game was shorter than your average Hobbit. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey opens in theaters everywhere December 13th! (Sorry guys, but to make ends meet I had to sell a few of my jokes to sponsors. Blame the economy.)

TEXANS 24, TITANS 10
Houston clinched a playoff berth for the second straight year. The team celebrated with a massive party that included pool, beer pong, and toppling of the giant David Carr statute outside the stadium that reminded the team of their past failures.

RAMS 16, 49ERS
The NFL has ordered both these teams to attend rehab intended for football players who, no matter how earnestly they try, can’t seem to win in regulation.

CHIEFS 27, PANTHERS 21
Unbelievably, this game was not postponed despite a Chiefs player taking his own life (after taking the life of his child’s mother) outside the stadium a day earlier. When asked what it would take for the NFL to actually cancel or postpone a game, heartless prick and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell referred reporters to the 1996 film Independence Day.

PATRIOTS 23, DOLPHINS 16
Afterwards Coach Joe Philbin addressed the press as his pimp character, “Big Daddy” Philbin: “Big Daddy acknowledges that the Patriots won the division today, fair and square. Big Daddy congratulates the entire state of New England. But let it be known that when it comes to AFC East coaches, Big Daddy is the champion of giving out deep dickings.” While Philbin didn’t provide any details on that particular championship, everyone agreed they did not want to see the trophy.

BENGALS 17, CHARGERS 13
The Chargers slipped to 4-8. “Well, we got ’em right where we want ’em!” exclaimed coach Norv Turner. “This is what we do – fall behind in the standings, then come back when you least expect us to! I swear we’re going to do it this year!” Turner then laughed, his laugh getting progressively louder and more filled with panic until breaking into a full sob mixed with pleas for his Mommy.

STEELERS 23, RAVENS 20
“Key to the win?” stated Mike Tomlin afterwards. “I’d say Charlie Batch forgetting that he is Charlie Batch. Also, Charlie Batch not playing like Charlie Batch.  Finally, the other players on the team forgetting they were being led into battle by Charlie Batch, who is not good at playing football.”

BROWNS 20, RAIDERS 17
These two teams were so bad, one almost say they’d need supervision to play the game. Some…parental guidance, perhaps? Parental Guidance starring Billy Crystal and Bette Midler opens in theaters everywhere December 25th! (Again, apologies for the endorsements, I have trouble looking at myself in the mirror. Luckily, this is the last one, I promise.)

BRONCOS 31, BUCS 23
With this win the Broncos clinch the AFC West division title and come on down to TGI Friday’s, where we have half off jalapeno poppers every Thursday from 5-8! Plus all you can eat Salad Bar for just $5.99, and 2 entrees for $20 with an appetizer! (Just getting out of bed in the morning is a chore, I hate myself for doing this, I have no integrity but I need the cash.) 

COWBOYS 38, EAGLES 33
Despite their slim playoff hopes, Dallas coach Jason Garrett was pragmatic after the slim victory: “We need to win one game at a time.” This gives the Cowboys a decided advantage, because a few of the teams they’re playing down the stretch need to win two, three, or as many as four games at a time. 

MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Redskins will beat the Giants in a high-scoring affair. After DeAngelo Hall’s claim that it wouldn’t take a “rocket scientist” to make the game-winning throw that beat Washington last time, the Giants have replaced Eli Manning with an astrophysicist, figuring that would be close enough.

That’s it for this week. Check back here next week, and every week, for the only recap of all the NFL action endorsed by both Timbaland AND Magoo. 

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