Two Alternate Endings That Would Have Improved Lincoln

The president passes (but in reality, fakes his own death). While everyone mourns, they go about the business of sorting through Lincoln’s will. To his son Robert (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt), he leaves his top hat as well as a duffel bag with coordinates to his underground lair beneath the White House. Joseph Gordon-Lincoln dons the top hat and fulfills his Dad’s legacy as the new President Lincoln (despite the fact that elections don’t work that way). Abe moves to Italy with Catwoman. I mean, with Anne Hathaway. I mean with Sally Field. No wait…actually, with Anne Hathaway. Dressed as Catwoman.

As everyone’s head begins to bow around Lincoln’s death bed in preparation for this terrible moment, the doctor checks the president’s pulse.

“Wait a minute…he’s gaining strength!”

Abe slowly rises. “Who did this to me?”

The  Secretary of War, Edwin Stanton, pipes up: “We believe it to be a Confederate sympathizer, sir. John Wilkes Booth.”

Lincoln shrugs and nods. “Well, it appears these Southern traitors didn’t get the message. Joseph Gordon-Lincoln?”

Abe’s son grabs his fathers hand. “Yes Pa?”

“Get my gun. I reckon we have work to do.”

Cut to Abe and JGL, carrying some major firepower (revolvers, uzis, a bazooka) and sidling up to a horse and buggy.

Abe laughs to himself. “Son, if we’re going to go hunting for Confederate scum, we need a sweeter ride than this.”

Abe walks over to nearby horse barn and pulls a tarp off a fully loaded 1970 Dodge Charger with machine guns on the side.

“Hop in.”

Rock You Like a Hurricane by the Scorpions blares as Abe and JGL speed away, loading their guns.  We then cut to a montage of Abe and JGL straight up executing Southerners in every way possible: gunshot, stabbing, cutting dudes’ heads off, throwing dudes off the top of a building, breaking dudes’ necks, kicking a guy dressed like Colonel Sanders into a tiger pit at the zoo, setting a bunch of Klansmen on fire, and strapping a bomb to a guy dressed like Rhett Butler and kicking him down an elevator shaft as he explodes. It’s an absolute bloodbath.

Finally we cut to JGL and Abe, who have cornered Confederate President Jefferson Davis in a burning warehouse.

“Don’t hurt me!” pleads Davis, crawling away on his hands and knees as Abe and JGL round on him holding samurai swords. “I’ll give you whatever you want!”

Abe chuckles. “We hold these blades to be self evident. And if you don’t tell us where Mr. Wilkes Booth is hiding, I’ll be sure to slice your ass up like the Christmas turkey Mary Todd made for us last year.”

“He’s in Richmond, at the Capital Building,” shrieks Davis. “Now let me go!”

Abe smiles, and with one slice of the blade cuts Davis off at the torso and says, “A man divided against himself cannot stand,” as Davis’s upper half and lower half separate like Darth Maul did in the Phantom Menace.

JGL wipes the blood from his blade. “Where to now, Pa?”

Abe takes a deep breath, then says, “Richmond.” Big pause for dramatic effect, then: “Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation, conceived in bloodshed, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created to kick ass and chew bubblegum. Well, Joseph Gordon-Lincoln -”

Abe looks directly at the camera and smiles. “Looks like we’re all out of bubblegum. Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker.”

Cut to black. Title card appears: ABRAHAM LINCOLN WILL RETURN IN…LINCOLN II. 


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