Charlie Batch was bad, the Redskins and Giants battled, and while I can’t think of another word that goes with “bad/battle,” how funny was it to see Mark Sanchez fumble after running into a guy’s ass? Let’s take a look back at week 12:
TEXANS 34, LIONS 31
Detroit continues their annual tradition of losing on Thanksgiving. Experts attributed the losing streak to the Lions’ bizarre tradition of eating an entire Thanksgiving dinner directly before kickoff.
REDSKINS 38, COWBOYS 31
Mike Shanahan said of RGIII’s stellar performance: “He’s kind of like Cool Hand Luke. He doesn’t get too upset about anything.” In an attempt to keep up with the Joneses, Jason Garrett compared Tony Romo to another Paul Newman character, Slapshot’s Reg Dunlap.
PATRIOTS 49, JETS 19
The Jets were embarrassed so badly that they’ve been abandoned by their number one fan, “Fireman Ed” Anzalone. When asked how he planned to spend his time from now on, Anzalone remarked that he’d simply get back to work, as “do you realize how many buildings I’ve let burn just so I could go to football games?”
BEARS 28, VIKINGS 10
Chicago lost three main contributors – Devin Hester, Matt Forte, and Charles Tillman – to injury, making this something of a Pyrrhic victory. They suffered further when lughead offensive coordinator Mike Tice got a concussion after someone asked him to explain the concept of a Pyrrhic victory.
BENGALS 34, RAIDERS 10
Carson Palmer’s homecoming was not a good one as the former Cincinnati QB struggled. To add insult to injury, the Bengals also gave Palmer a hard time for leaving a bunch of his shit in the attic after he moved out.
BROWNS 20, STEELERS 14
Third string QB Charlie Batch couldn’t lead the Steelers to victory. In fairness to Batch, he was somewhat distracted by the prospect of being late to his part-time job as a security guard he took to make ends meet.
COLTS 20, BILLS 13
T.Y. Hilton returned a punt 75 yards for the Colts, shocking everyone not because of the feat itself, but because with a name like that, he’s somehow not a Texas oilman wearing a giant belt buckle and cowboy hat.
BRONCOS 17, CHIEFS 9
With a chance to take a 10-0 lead, Chiefs coach Romeo Crennel opted to kick a field goal instead in a move booed by fans. “I thought points on the board were important,” Crennel explained afterwards. Crennel’s other cutting edge football observations include the thoughts that tackling is critical, completing passes is good, and football is a game played by people.
DOLPHINS 24, SEAHAWKS 21
Afterwards Coach Joe Philbin addressed the press as his pimp character, “Big Daddy” Philbin: “We apologize to the Seahawks for our sprinklers going off in the third quarter. As penance, I’d like to offer Pete Carroll unlimited access to my stable of hoes for a period of one (1) week. So Petey Pablo, if you’re listening: it’s all you, bro. Take your pick. Oh and as a word of warning: no butt stuff.”
FALCONS 24, BUCS 23
Look Atlanta, we all know there’s one team every year with a really good record who loses in the playoffs. The sooner you can come to grips with the fact that this year it’s you, the easier this is going to be.
JAGUARS 24, TITANS 19
When asked for his opinion on the team’s first home victory this year, Jags owner Shad Khan responded, “Hoepfully the spell is broken.” Khan’s statement was definitely facetious for two reasons: A) Witchcraft isn’t real, and B) Even if it was, what witch would waste their time cursing an NFL team no one cares about?
RAVENS 16, CHARGERS 13
Late in the game the Ravens converted a fourth-and-29 at their own 37 to tie, and eventually win, the game. The miracle play has inspired a dance craze in the Baltimore area known as Doin’ The Raven, where Raven fans get on the dance floor, pretend to catch a short pass, and then run 30 yards in a straight line.
49ERS 31, SAINTS 21
Colin Kaepernick faced a number of challenges in the week leading up to his second start including pressure from the media, strife from within his locker room, and a series of Wile E. Coyote-type booby traps laid out for him by Alex Smith.
RAMS 31, CARDINALS 17
Rams rookie defensive back Janoris Jenkins returned two interceptions for touchdowns in the victory. It was a vindicating moment for Jenkins, who fell in the draft due to off-field issues. Jenkins could not be reached for comment later, as he was too busy robbing a liquor store, holding up a bank, and plotting to kill Superman.
GIANTS 38, PACKERS 10
Green Bay would’ve had a much better chance if they’d had the services of Aaron Rodgers, who was arrested prior to the game on the suspicion of improper conduct with a minor. “Yeah, we’ve got no evidence or anything,” said NYPD officer Ken Meltzman, “but I mean, look at that mustache.”
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Panthers will beat the Eagles at home, because why the fuck not? Ron Rivera and Andy Reid will trade jobs at halftime for shits and gigs. No one will notice.
That’s it for week 12. Check back here next week, and every week, for a recap of all the NFL action better than Mama’s Thanksgivin’ leftovers!