REDSKINS 31, EAGLES 6
Nick Foles was so bad in his first NFL start, the Eagles have considered bringing Michael Vick back from his fake concussion they invented so they could bench him.
BUCS 27, PANTHERS 21
Tampa needed an extra frame to defeat Carolina. Both teams were upset after the overtime period, however, when they realized they wouldn’t be getting paid extra for it.
TEXANS 43, JAGUARS 37
The NFL’s wildest game of the year featured 1,000 yards of offense, 80 points, 8 penalties, multiple scores in overtime, thirteen kegs, 15 different kinds of shooters, dozens of random Houston skanks mulling around the sideline with their tits out, a cow, Andy Dick, a really in-shape clown with his shirt off, and a weird guy with a peg leg nobody seemed to know. It was later revealed that Jaguars WR Justin Blackmon invited the peg leg guy.
COWBOYS 23, BROWNS 20
It was sweet revenge for Dallas defensive coordinator Rob Ryan, formerly a Cleveland staffer. During his celebration, Ryan also revealed that he was actually just Rex Ryan from the future. The beard and long hair is due to an extended stranding on a desert island, where Jets fans send him after this season.
PACKERS 24, LIONS 20
With an interception and a stagnant offense, this was Aaron Rodgers sloppiest performance since that time he probably banged Michelle Beadle at the ESPYs.
FALCONS 23, CARDINALS 19
Despite holding a 10-0 lead early, Arizona actually replaced an ineffective John Skelton at quarterback with rookie Ryan Lindley, who was equally bad. Next week, coach Ken Whisenhunt plans to start a football-throwing robot he’s been working on in his basement. Team officials are reportedly cool with this, because who really gives a fuck at this point.
BILLS 19, DOLPHINS 14
Afterwards Coach Joe Philbin addressed the press as his pimp character, “Big Daddy” Philbin: “I don’t even care that we lost, as long as I can smack bitches and get in that ass….you know what, I can’t do this anymore,” said Philbin, as he removed his purple hat and feather boa. “I’m no pimp. I’m just an average, Type B middle-aged white guy. I can’t pull this off! What was I thinking? I’m sorry to my wife, my players, and most of all, the young women I convinced to actually work for me as hoes these last eleven weeks.” After fighting back tears for a few moments, Philbin began cracking up. “Sike! Y’all thought I was some kind of bitch, didn’t you! I got yo asses!” Philbin then climbed into a rickshaw pulled by two very attractive young prostitutes and exited the press conference.
BENGALS 28, CHIEFS 6
Due to lack of interest from the teams involved and their fans, both teams agreed to award Cincinnati the victory with an arbitrary score of 28-6. In exchange, between now and the holidays the Chiefs will get unfettered access to the Bengals’ kickass jetski.
JETS 27, RAMS 13
Rex Ryan quickly proclaimed the Jets were the “greatest team to ever beat the Rams in Week 11 of the 2012 season of all times.”
BRONCOS 30, CHARGERS 23
With this win, Peyton Manning pulled into a tie with John Elway for career victories. He still trails Elway, however, in the category of faces that look like a horse.
SAINTS 38, RAIDERS 17
After a terrible start, the Saints are now at .500. “Had you told us or anybody after 0-4 we’d be looking at 5-5 at some point, I think a lot of people might have looked at that and said that’s pretty unrealistic,” stated quarterback Drew Brees afterwards. Brees added, “Of course, people said it would be unrealistic that an elephant could fly, but Dumbo proved them all wrong!” When told Dumbo was just a movie and not real, Brees quietly sobbed in his locker for 45 minutes.
PATRIOTS 59, COLTS 24
This brutal beating of a young rookie at the hands of several cocksure veterans was the NFL’s equivalent of the Cobra Kai beating on Daniel LaRusso. Wouldn’t it have been cool if Peyton Manning showed up when this one was getting out of hand to take over for Andrew Luck, then he brought the Colts back and the Patriots all ran away with their tails between their legs?
RAVENS 13, STEELERS 10
This game was such a violent, brutal slugfest that both teams actually straight-up fist fought for ten minutes in the third quarter, with no one noticing the difference.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Bears will slip past the 49ers in the Battle of Backup Quarterbacks. With Alex Smith and Jay Cutler both likely out due to concussions, San Francisco and Chicago will put both their defenses on the field for an impromptu Battle Royale and award the game to the last team standing.
That’s it for Week 11. Check back here next week, and every week, for a recap of all the week’s NFL action so good it’ll make you want to go to war with Israel.