COLTS 27, JAGUARS 10
The miscues continue to pile up for the woeful Jaguars, who committed ten penalties, two interceptions, one fumble, and as a team collectively slipped on a bunch of banana peels that were in the locker room for some reason.
SAINTS 31, FALCONS 27
With the last undefeated team finally losing, the ’72 Dolphins continued their yearly tradition of gathering for a champagne toast, followed by Mercury Morris’ yearly tradition of purchasing the services of a whore, banging her, then sitting on the edge of the bed crying when his dick goes limp and he admits that this undefeated thing is all he’s got.
BENGALS 31, GIANTS 13
Cincinnati snapped a three game losing streak, prompting WR A.J. Green to proclaim, “I feel like this is a good stepping block for us.” This is impossible however, because the fuck is a stepping block?
TITANS 37, DOLPHINS 3
Afterwards Coach Joe Philbin addressed the press as his pimp character, “Big Daddy” Philbin: “I’m not going to lie, this game was muhfuckin’ embarrassing. Today I feel the shame I feel when one of my hoes fails to collect from a john. Other embarrassing moments in a pimp’s life are when a cashier can’t change a hundred, I get ketchup on one of my minks, or when I send one of my hoes to pick up a goose for Christmas dinner and she instead uses the money on blow.”
VIKINGS 34, LIONS 24
The still-recovering Adrian Peterson was dominant, with 171 yards and a game-sealing touchdown. “I still can get stronger,” remarked Peterson afterwards. “I’m still not there, man. I’m pressing to get there.” When asked to elaborate on how exactly he was pressing, Peterson looked around, put a finger to his lips, and pulled up his pant leg to reveal a bionic leg. “Don’t tell nobody!” whispered Peterson. “They done gave me a robot leg. I’m more machine than man now!”
PATRIOTS 37, BILLS 31
New England is 11-0 at home against Buffalo since moving into Gillette Stadium. This is due to either the Bills mediocre teams or the fact that they’re just polite houseguests.
BUCS 34, CHARGERS 24
“It’s not acceptable to play hard and not win, and that’s what happened,” Chargers coach Norv Turner said in a postgame press conference. “You’re damn right it’s not acceptable, but we did it anyway. My wife told me it’s also not acceptable to get drunk at Olive Garden, take my pants off, put the breadbasket on my head and yell at the waitress to ‘bring me more spaghetti, ya Clam!’ but I damn sure do that too!”
BRONCOS 36, PANTHERS 14
Revenge was sweet for John Fox, coaching his first game in Carolina since his firing there several seasons ago. Fox’s strategy included a balanced offensive attack, smothering defense, and putting on his old Carolina gear, bonking Ron Rivera in the head, convincing the Panther players he was rehired as coach, and giving them bad plays to run.
RAVENS 55, RAIDERS 20
Baltimore’s offensive outburst included three touchdowns from Joe Flacco, a 105 yard kickoff return from Jacoby Jones, and multiple uses of racial slurs by Justin Tucker, who isn’t racist but thought it would help throw some of the Raiders players off their game.
SEAHAWKS 28, JETS 7
After being named “Most Overrated Coach” this past week, Rex Ryan was humbled by the loss, immediately resigning, tearfully admitting that he wasn’t fit for duty, and then going down to a New York soup kitchen to spend the rest of his days ladling out goulash to vagrants.
COWBOYS 38, EAGLES 23
Nick Foles replaced Michael Vick at QB after Vick suffered a concussion. Unfortunately, multiple shots to the head caused Vick to think he was the pre-prison version of himself, so he kept asking reporters if they knew who won the latest round of dogfights.
RAMS 24, 49ERS 24
While this game officially ended in a tie, both clubs agreed to award the victory to whoever won a bare knuckle brawl in the parking lot between a shirtless Jim Harbaugh and Jeff Fisher.
TEXANS 13, BEARS 6
Chicago team doctors were worried about concussed QB Jay Cutler as Cutler’s face adopted a sullen, glazed-over look. They were relieved when they realized that’s just how that fat doofus looks all the time.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Steelers will dominate the Chiefs. Kansas City, who this season has yet to hold a lead in regulation, has petitioned Pittsburgh and the NFL to spot them 7 points to start.
That’s it for week 10. Check back here next week, and every week, for a recap of the NFL action that’s so good it could make Lance Armstrong grow another nut.