CHARGERS 31, CHIEFS 13
Phil Rivers defended his embattled coach, Norv Turner: “You play for a lot of things, but we play for our coach.” Rivers noted the team also plays for the city of San Diego; the state of California; the Greek God Zeus, who used lightning bolts not unlike the ones seen on the Chargers’ uniforms; and for some reason, actor Allan Thicke.
TEXANS 21, BILLS 9
Vengeance belonged to Wade Phillips, Houston’s current defensive coordinator and former Buffalo head coach. “I knew my boys would avenge me and make those bastards pay for their transgressions! You listen up, and you listen good: to all my haters out there, rest assured that the Houston Texans defense will smite you!” When asked about this, Houston’s entire defense shrugged and said they didn’t realize Phillips ever coached for Buffalo.
STEELERS 24, GIANTS 20
In fairness to the Giants, it’s hard to compete when you’re spending the game asking your opponent if they have any extra bottled water or batteries.
RAVENS 25, BROWNS 15
The Browns lost their 10th straight game to Baltimore in a gallant effort. In other gallant efforts, Joe Flacco has signed on to play Goofus in the Wachowski’s upcoming 2014 film adaptation of Highlights Magazine feature Goofus and Gallant.
BRONCOS 31, BENGALS 23
Another game, another Peyton Manning-led fourth quarter comeback. “We don’t draw it up like this; we’d rather be ahead comfortably,” said Manning afterwards before adding, “Aww, who am I kidding, we love dicking around for the first three quarters! I won $300 off the fellas during our sideline game of spades.”
PACKERS 31, CARDINALS 17
Green Bay won despite losing Jordy Nelson and Clay Matthews to injury. Nelson’s injury won’t prove fatal as Green Bay is stacked at receiver, but Matthews’ will hurt the team’s playoff hopes as they attempt to gain ground in the ever-important “long, flowing locks” stat, which is actually like the fourth tie-breaker.
BEARS 51, TITANS 20
“In my 50 years of owning an NFL franchise, I am at a loss to recall a regular-season home game that was such a disappointment for myself, and fans of the Titans,” Titans owner Bud Adams said after the embarrassment. “We were grossly outcoached and outplayed from start to finish today.” When he heard these statements, Titans coach Mike Muchak responded that the Titans had also been “out-owned” by a Bears team that probably makes way more money than them.
COLTS 23, DOLPHINS 20
Afterwards Coach Joe Philbin addressed the press as his pimp character, “Big Daddy” Philbin: “Look, what’s the old expression: it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you smack the ho. We may not have won today, but I’d say we damn sure smacked the heck out of our metaphorical ho.” When asked to clarify, Philbin simply shook his head and said, “Can’t explain that. All I’ll say is if you guys enjoy live music, come check out my band, “The Metaphorical Hoes,” playing this Sunday at the Miami Hooters.”
PANTHERS 21, REDSKINS 13
Cam Newton was victorious over Robert Griffin in the first annual “We’ll Compare These Two For Their Entire Careers Because They’re Both Mobile Heisman Winners (But Really, Because They’re Black) Bowl.
LIONS 31, JAGUARS 14
Lions running back Mikel Leshoure scored three touchdowns and dedicated the game to his newborn son. Leshoure also said he would dedicate his next game to his son pending the results of a paternity test.
BUCS 42, RAIDERS 32
Two bad teams got together to put a lot of points on the board, which is kind of like a couple of really dumb guys sitting down for a game of chess, getting frustrated, then flipping the board over and having a really entertaining fist fight.
SEAHAWKS 30, VIKINGS 20
This game featured the NFL’s top two rushers, Marshawn Lynch and Adrian Peterson. I’ll tell you where this game went wrong: when they decided to play instead of just letting the NFL’s top two runners decide it by seeing who could do a better Running Man.
FALCONS 19, COWBOYS 13
As the Cowboys slip deeper and deeper into the abyss, Child Protective Services has dispatched agents to Cowboys Stadium to protect the players, as they’re almost certain Jerry Jones will beat them.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Saints will win a tight, high-scoring affair over the Eagles. Nick Foles will replace Michael Vick at some point, but Vick will fail to care as he is too swept up in excitement over Star Wars: Episode 7 being released in 2015. Most don’t realize Vick’s top role models growing up were NFL quarterback Randall Cunningham, NBA point guard Magic Johnson, and Space-black guy Lando Calrissian.
That’s it for Week 9. Check back here next week, and every week, for an NFL recap that can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.