The Pats put on a show for our foppish friends across the pond, Tony Romo throws interceptions like he gets paid to do it, and the Jets surprisingly fail to back up their trash talk. Let’s check out what went down in Week 8:
BUCS 36, VIKINGS 17
Doug Martin had 214 total yards in the win. Martin later stated that he was happy to be known for something other than being the first black guy ever named Doug.
FALCONS 30, EAGLES 17
This was Andy Reid’s first loss after the bye as coach of the Eagles. Probably his last one, too.
BEARS 23, PANTHERS 22
Carolina WR Steve Smith said afterwards that the last second loss was “not heartbreaking.” He then bit his lip and hurriedly hid all the Valentines in his locker addressed to “Our Second Win.”
BROWNS 7, CHARGERS 6
Trent Richardson broke two tackles on the game’s only touchdown scored. “I talked to Jim Brown before the game,” said Richardson, “and he gave me some sage advice on breaking tackles: always run hard, stiff arm ’em when you can, and cover your jersey in a generous helping of cocoa butter.” Richardson then slathered some cocoa butter on his elbows and asked the assembled press corps if any of them needed help buttering up.
LIONS 28, SEAHAWKS 24
Titus Young put up 100 yards and 2 touchdowns, solidifying his spot as the replacement for injured WR Nate Burleson. Young has also moved into Burleson’s house, taken up with his wife, and convinced Burleson’s kids to refer to Young as “Pop.”
PACKERS 24, JAGUARS 15
This one was much closer than everyone expected. Expecting a rout, Packers coach Mike McCarthy even planned a sideline celebration for the third quarter which included a spread catered by Chik Fil A, several casino table games, and a performance from former American Idol winner Ruben Studdard. The sideline party would’ve been a bust even if it was a blowout though, as by the second quarter Studdard had consumed all of the chicken nuggets and most of the team’s Gatorade.
COLTS 19, TITANS 13
Vick Ballard scored the game winning TD in overtime, diving for the end zone and spinning upside down before he broke the plane. When asked how he felt after the acrobatic play, Ballard attempted to answer, held up one finger as if to signify, “One moment please,” then proceeded to vomit for 2o minutes straight.
STEELERS 27, REDSKINS 12
The Steelers won in their ugliest throwbacks yet; horrific uniforms with black and yellow horizontal lines. The uniforms were so ugly, bumblebees released a statement letting everyone know they didn’t sign off on this.
PATRIOTS 45, RAMS 7
The Rams were so embarrassed in the NFL’s annual trip to London they’ve decided to quit the NFL and just stay in England. “The whole football thing isn’t working out for us, so this gives us a chance for a fresh start,” said Rams coach Jeff Fisher. “We can start anew over here. Settle down with a sweet girl from the English countryside. Buy a plot of land we can farm. It’ll be a simple life, but it beats the pressure-filled grind-it-out hell that is life in the NFL.” When asked what the fuck he was talking about, Fisher furrowed his brow and said, “Look, I just want to bang a British chick and do farm shit. Back off.”
DOLPHINS 30, JETS 9
Afterwards Coach Joe Philbin addressed the press as his pimp character, “Big Daddy” Philbin: “Great win today. It was one of those wins where we oh shit….shit…we performed well on both sides of the ball. It was a shame Ryan [Tannehill] got hurt, but Matt Moore came in and performed admirable…shit, damn that feels good…admirably. We still have to focus, oh God…GOD DAMN IT…still gotta focus on next week, take it one week at a OHHHH MY GOD, DAMN IT….DAMN….SHIT….AW HELL YEAH.” Philbin then kicked the side of the podium repeatedly. “HELL YEAH, GET YOU SOME…wait…we did a good job at foot….football…OH HELL YEAH, C’MON, GET YOU SOME OF PHILBIN BABY! AHHHH! Aww, damn it…damn it. God that felt good. Wait what was I saying? Anyway, great win today.” Philbin then exited the podium to reveals his pants unbuttoned and his belt unbuckled. Quickly following him from underneath the podium was one of his more fetching hoes.
RAIDERS 26, CHIEFS 18
Matt Cassell returned in an underwhelming performance. If Cassell is hurt again, KC will turn to Brady Quinn. If Quinn is injured, the entire organization has agreed to a massive murder-suicide pact.
GIANTS 29, COWBOYS 24
Due to their recent dominance there as well as the impending hurricane scheduled to hit New York, the Giants have decided to make Cowboys Stadium their permanent home. Coach Tom Coughlin thinks the change of scenery may be good for the Giants, although he is concerned with how Eli Manning will adapt to a new school district.
BRONCOS 34, SAINTS 14
With everyone expecting him to be gracious in victory, shockingly, Peyton Manning was anything but: “Well Drew [Brees], you may not have been the best QB on the field tonight,” smirked Manning as a toothpick dangled from his teeth, “but you’ll always be the best QB on the field with shit on his face.”
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The 49ers will squeak out a hard fought game against the Cardinals. Everything about this game will scream defensive battle, as it will feature interceptions, sacks, and both teams being oddly touchy when you try to criticize their flaws.
That’s it for this week. Check back next week, when you have power again, and every week for a waterlogged recap of all the week’s NFL action.