49ERS 13, SEAHAWKS 6
Jim Harbaugh is now 3-0 in the NFL games against his former Pac-10 rival Pete Carroll. Harbaugh downplayed the rivalry, however: “I don’t want to get into that; a win against Pete counts the same as the other ones,” Harbaugh reasoned. “Besides, is it really that impressive to whip a little bitch like him?”
TITANS 35, BILLS 34
This marks the third game in which Tennessee has won on essentially the last play. Titans coach Mike Munchak was so excited by the ability of his teams to finish games strongly that he demanded everyone start calling him “Money Shot” Munchak. So far, no one has called him that.
COLTS 17, BROWNS 13
Andrew Luck became the first QB in Colts’ history to garner 2 rushing touchdowns in one game. “Looks like I’m now better than RGIII in every facet of life!” boasted Luck later. “I throw a better deep ball, I’m more accurate, I’m white, and now apparently I’m better with my legs!” When asked to clarify why being white makes him better, Luck replied, “Oh, because I’m big into judging people by the color of their skin rather than the content of their character. My arm is so good and I’m so clean-cut that nobody in the pre-draft interviews bothered to ask me whether or not I was a passionate racist, but I definitely am.”
PACKERS 30, RAMS 20
Aaron Rodgers was yet again flawless, with 342 yards passing, 3 touchdowns, zero interceptions, 32 perfectly white teeth, 6 visible abs, 12 books written, 14 supermodels seduced, and 27 babies saved from a burning building on his way to the game.
VIKINGS 21, CARDINALS 14
After starting 4-0, the Cardinals have scored only 33 points in 3 straight losses. In fairness to them, how can anyone focus on anything when the new James Bond is mere weeks away? When asked how this impacted his team, Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt said, “I mean…have you guys seen the trailer for Skyfall? I got a chub watching that thing. I showed it to the team last night, apropos of nothing having to do with game planning. Obviously the Vikings haven’t seen it yet based on their play, and I don’t necessarily think that’s fair.”
JAGUARS 26, RAIDERS 23
For the foreseeable future, Maurice Jones-Drew will be confined to crutches, making it much easier when the Jags are searching for a foreign object to bonk their opponent over the head with.
GIANTS 27, REDSKINS 23
Washington allowed a late 77 yard touchdown pass from Eli Manning to Victor Cruz, which they would have prevented if it weren’t for the fact that every Redskin safety was dropped on their head as a baby.
SAINTS 35, BUCS 28
New Orleans welcomed back Jonathan Vilma for the victory. Vilma’s impact was felt immediately, as he recorded several tackles and offered a cool 15 G’s to the first man who delivered him Josh Freeman’s head on a silver platter.
COWBOYS 19, PANTHERS 14
Cam Newton on Carolina’s offensive struggles: “Whether it’s me, I don’t know. Whether it’s the coordinator, I don’t know. Whether it’s the players overall, I don’t know,” which is narcissist-speak for “Actually, I do know: it’s everyone but me.”
TEXANS 43, RAVENS 13
Houston’s domination was so complete that everyone seemingly got into the action, including little known receiver Tandon Doss. Seriously? Tandon Doss? That doesn’t even sound like a real name. That sounds like one of the guys that’s standing next to Boba Fett in Empire when Vader’s rounding up bounty hunters to catch Han.
PATRIOTS 29, JETS 26
The game ended on a Mark Sanchez fumble in OT. “You can question a lot of what we did,” said Jets coach Rex Ryan in the wake of the loss. “Maybe we should have run the ball more. Maybe we should have been more aggressive rushing the passer. Maybe we shouldn’t have signed that endorsement deal with Land O’ Lakes, where they give us money and then for some reason get to coat the ball in their product before all of our overtime possessions. It could be any of those things.”
STEELERS 17, BENGALS 14
With injuries mounting, the Steelers turned to third year RB Jonathan Dwyer for a 122 yard performance. Should Dwyer get hurt, Pittsburgh will turn to fourth stringer Chris Rainey. If Rainey’s hurt, Mike Tomlin will take out a full-page ad in the Pittsburgh Post Gazette telling Rashard Mendenhall to quit being such a punk ass bitch.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
This tense game will see the Bears defense overpower the effective Lions offense. After last year’s game involved a sideline-clearing brawl, coach Jim Schwartz prepared this week by foregoing the usual football practices in favor of turning the Lions practice facility into a makeshift Fight Club. As of press time, Ndamukong Suh has murdered 7 and maimed 12.
Let me be clear: that’s all for this week. Check back next week, and every week, for a binder full of all the NFL action.