The Giants ask the 49ers “Who is your Daddy and what does he do?”, the Browns realize they’re allowed to actually win, and Aaron Rodgers is STILL throwing touchdowns this morning. Let’s take a look at what happened in week 6:
TITANS 26, STEELERS 23
Tennessee’s nationally televised win offered proof to fantasy owners everywhere the Titans are an actual team and not just a bunch of guys standing around waiting for Chris Johnson to suck.
FALCONS 23, RAIDERS 20
Atlanta moved to 6-0 despite a sloppy effort that included 3 interceptions, ineffective offense, and Matt Ryan missing a large stretch of the first half to go bootleg a showing of the newly released Kevin James vehicle Here Comes the Boom.
BROWNS 34, BENGALS 24
Cleveland’s first win came on Brandon Weeden’s 29th birthday. Weeden would have rubbed it in the faces of all his critics who said he was too old, but he was busy driving his five kids to soccer practice, paying bills, and planning he and his wife’s 23rd anniversary dinner.
DOLPHINS 17, RAMS 14
Afterwards Coach Joe Philbin addressed the press as his pimp character, “Big Daddy” Philbin: “This here’s my snake, Willoughby,” Philbin said as he pulled a giant python out of his duffel bag, letting the massive beast rest on his shoulders. “Whenever I have bitches over, I feed him field mice to turn ’em on. For some reason, bitches love seeing a predator eat snacks, whether it’s Willoughby eating rodents, or me eating Slim Jims. Crazy, it’n it? Bitches are such curious creatures.” Philbin then chuckled to himself, got up from his chair to reveal he was wearing no pants, and exited the room completely bareass.
JETS 35, COLTS 9
New York returned to their “Ground and Pound” roots with 252 yards rushing, causing the New York media to call for the Jets to replace Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow with a new quarterback named Fuck It, Just Direct Snap It To The Running Back On Every Play.
LIONS 26, EAGLES 23
Despite playing undefeated Atlanta right after their bye week, fear not Eagles fans: Andy Reid is a perfect 12-0 after a bye. In fact, to prepare for the defense of his flawless record, Reid skipped this game to go scout the Falcons.
BUCS 38, CHIEFS 10
Kansas City’s poor play can be largely attributed to 2 costly turnovers, lack of defensive intensity, and the coaching staff’s decision the morning of the game to take the team to a showing of newly released Kevin James vehicle Here Comes the Boom.
RAVENS 31, COWBOYS 29
Jacoby Jones tied an NFL record with a 108 yard kickoff return. To follow that, next week Jones plans to return a kick 130 yards by catching a ball while sitting in the fourth row.
BILLS 19, CARDINALS 16
Jay Feely made a 61 yard field goal to tie the game late, but later had a 38 yard attempt partially blocked. Later, Feely would say, “This is like the time I was able to have sex with that hot prostitute, then later on couldn’t get it up with my plain wife. Wait, this microphone isn’t on, is it?”
SEAHAWKS 24, PATRIOTS 23
Breaking barriers and making history, Seattle QB Russell Wilson became the first black quarterback to lead the Seahawks to a one point victory over the Patriots. He’s been hailed by civil rights leaders as the “Jackie Robinson of guys who want to play quarterback for the Seahawks.”
REDSKINS 38, VIKINGS 26
After an amazing performance, when asked if last week’s concussion was still affecting him mentally RGIII stared ahead blankly and said, “I find I’m so excited that I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it’s the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at a start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope…”
GIANTS 26, 49ERS 3
New York punctuated their dominating victory by inviting former Giant and current Niner RB Brandon Jacobs to come over to their sideline and join the rest of the team as they pointed and laughed.
PACKERS 42, TEXANS 24
Aaron Rodgers threw a whopping six touchdown passes. Rodgers angrily addressed the media afterwards: “I wouldn’t have gone off like that, but this afternoon I saw the newly released Kevin James vehicle Here Comes the Boom and was just pissed, quite frankly,” hissed a stewing Rodgers. “It was terrible! How can you have a Kevin James in a movie and have it not be funny? Give me Kevin James, three weeks, and a camcorder, and I’ll give you gold.” Rodgers then went on to tip over a water cooler, destroy a trainer’s table, and wander around downtown Houston shirtless, attempting to fistfight random passersby.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Broncos will prevail in a shootout over the Chargers. In order to cut down on turnovers, Peyton Manning has asked all Broncos offensive players to attend couples’ counseling with a football to see if they can stay together and make this thing work.
That’s it for week 6. Check back here next week, and every week, for a newly released Kevin James vehicle I like to call “Here Comes the Recap of All the Weekend’s NFL Action.”