RAMS 17, CARDINALS 3
According to experts, the Rams high sack total was due to either the poor play of the Cardinals’ offensive line or the fact that the Rams defensive front spent all afternoon getting pumped listening to that OOOH AHH AHH AHH AHH song by Disturb’d.
GIANTS 41, BROWNS 27
Roger Goodell paid a special visit to the Browns locker room after the loss. “Because you played so valiantly in the first half, the NFL is deciding to award you a new stat we refer to as a half-win.” Goodell then paused, laughed, and said, “Nah, not really. Suck it, losers,” and went around mushing each member of the team’s faces.
COLTS 30, PACKERS 27
Every Colt player agreed that they won this game for their ailing coach Chuck Pagano, with the exception of fourth string tackle Luke Bungamoux, who for some reason dedicates every win to actor Kurt Russell.
STEELERS 16, EAGLES 14
Following the win Ben Roethlisberger was relieved: “It’s a tough year, but there isn’t a tough situation this team can’t rape our way out of. Wait, what did I say? CLAW! I mean CLAW our way out of!”
FALCONS 24, REDSKINS 17
Washington released a statement regarding RG3’s concussion: “He is 100% fine and will be back next week!” When asked when he would return to practice, RG3 replied, “Well, it sure feels like a pancake day, but it depends on if the moon is shining and the farmer’s market is open. What year is it?”
RAVENS 9, CHIEFS 6
Chief fans were despondent following the loss due to the team’s controversial new “If One of the Teams Doesn’t Crack Double Digits, Everybody in the Stadium Gets Socked in the Gut” promotion.
SEAHAWKS 16, PANTHERS 12
Cam Newton credited the Seattle defense: “Let’s call a cat a cat and a dog a dog. They’re a great defense.” The team then immediately checked him for concussion symptoms, as every clear-thinking person knows that cats and dogs cannot play NFL football.
BEARS 41, JAGUARS 3
Due to the Bears defense yet again scoring multiple touchdowns, the team has voted to have their defense replace their offense at all times. They also agreed to exile Jay Cutler to the Phantom Zone, the Kryptonian prison dimension that warehouses noted Superman antagonist General Zod.
VIKINGS 30, TITANS 7
After the game Titans coach Mike Munchak was pragmatic. “We are who we are. There’s no draft coming up. There’s no adding more players and getting more coaches.” Munchak made a good point, as it’s not like an NFL coach has ever been fired at midseason for sucking.
DOLPHINS 17, BENGALS 13
After the game, Joe Philbin addressed reporters as his pimp character, “Big Daddy” Philbin. He was also accompanied to the stage by a midget in a tuxedo. “Obviously, I’m happy with the defensive effort and witih the offensive execution. It wasn’t pretty, but we limited our mistakes and came away with a victory, and in this league that’s all you can ask for on a week to week basis. Any more questions?” The reporters, surprised by Philbin’s calm demeanor, had none. “OK great. Now if you’ll excuse us, me and this midget I bought on the Internet are going to go cruising for snacks and bitches. Tito, let’s saddle up!” The midget, presumably the Tito to whom Philbin was referring, then climbed onto Philbin’s back, rode piggyback out of the press conference, and gave the middle finger to the assembled press corps.
PATRIOTS 31, BRONCOS 21
Unhappy he had been bested by Tom Brady in yet another quarterbacking duel, the ultra-competitive Peyton Manning challenged Brady to one of those old fashioned pistol duels immediately following the game. After he lost that as well, it was onto arm-wrestling, a hot dog eating contest, checkers, and finally, a Sudoku-off. To add insult to injury, after losing all the duels Manning succumbed to the pistol injuries he incurred earlier in this joke.
49ERS 45, BILLS 3
San Francisco became the first NFL team to ever gain 300 yards passing and 300 yards rushing in the same game. Coach Jim Harbaugh punished the entire team with wind sprints for not gaining 300 yards via special teams.
SAINTS 31, CHARGERS 24
Drew Brees threw a TD pass in his 48th straight game, breaking Johnny Unitas’ 50 year old record. “I’d just like to thank my teammates and my coaches,” said Brees afterwards. Brees, overwhelmed with emotion, took a moment to compose himself and added, “All my fans too. They’ve meant so much to me. I’d also like to reiterate that I’m offering a cool $50,000 to anyone who brings me the head of that no-good snake Roger Goodell on a silver plat-” before teammates dragged him away from reporters.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Texans will rock the Jets. Rex Ryan will continue to contend that Mark Sanchez should be a starting quarterback in this league. Ryan will also argue that the sun is frigid, all trees are made of beef jerky, and Santa Claus and the chupacabra conspired to murder JFK.
That’s it for Week 5. Check back here next week and every week for some of that sweet lovin’ I like to call a recap of all the week’s NFL action.