I Guess You Didn’t Hear Me the First Time, But I Still Have a Particular Set of Skills

Hello. I am Liam Neeson’s character from the movie Taken 2. You may remember from me from such films as:

The Grey, or as I like to call it: Taken by Wolves
Unknown, or as I like to call it, My Memory’s Been Taken from Me
Schindler’s List, or as I like to call it:  Hitler Takes Some Jews

In my new film, Taken 2, kidnappers take my wife. This is an open letter to those kidnappers.  To reiterate: I still have a particular set of skills, and I will use them on you if you don’t give me my wife back.

But seriously, what the hell guys? Did you not see the first movie? I rocked a particular set of the shit. According to Box Office Mojo, the film grossed a particular set of $226 million worldwide.  A particular set of everybody saw it and loved it. And you’re telling me you haven’t seen it, and don’t know the particular set of ruckus I’m about to bring down on your asses?

OK. Obviously you haven’t seen the first one. So before we go through with Taken 2, it’s clear what needs to happen: a private screening of Taken 1.

It would be a particular set of irresponsible of me to not give you a particular set of fair warning. So here’s what we’ll do: arrange a particular set of time that works for a particular set of both our schedules. Then we’ll have the screening at my particular set of a home theater. It’ll be just you, the Serbian kidnappers, and me, Liam Neeson. Plus anyone else who wants to mess with me after not having seen the first one.

Now, before you balk: when I say “home theater,” I don’t mean some crappy TV with a particular set of Bose speakers. I go all out to recreate a particular set of the theater-going experience. A particular set of digital projectors. A particular set of surround sound.  I even hire a particular set of day laborers to come to my house, put on a particular set of vests and bow ties, and walk around with flashlights serving as a particular set of makeshift ushers.

I also love a particular set of movie snacks. I purchased a particular set of actual popcorn machines like they have at the movies. I also have a particular set of Coke fountains allowing you to sprinkle your Coke with a particular set of delicious flavors like Vanilla, Cherry, and Lemon. I even have a particular set of candy boxes on sale for $4.75 each.  Rest assured,  we’re not just going to be sitting on a particular set of couches eating a particular set of Bugles and Mountain Dew. I do it right. I mean, I’m Liam Neeson. One wouldn’t expect a particular set of anything less.

Once we’ve settled in with our particular set of food and beverage, a particular set of previews will play. We can make a particular set of wisecracks about any of the coming attractions that appear to be a particular set of lame. If it’s a particular set of romantic comedy or derivative horror movie, ridiculing it will bring us together as an audience and add to the particular set of the communal theater-going experience.  Of course, if it’s something cool like Batman or Star Trek, we can not ridicule it and instead trade a particular set of high-fives.

Once the film begins, I have a particular set of a single rule: a particular set of absolute silence. You may feel comfortable talking due to my particular set of earlier wisecracks, but that’s for the previews only. I’ll allow a particular set of light chatter during the opening credits, but once we really get into the meat of the picture, it has to stop. If you talk, I will wait for a particular set of awesome fight scenes in the film and copy the particular set of awesome fighting moves I’m doing on the big screen, using them on you.

After the film, we’ll head out to the the lobby for a particular set of conversations regarding our thoughts on the film. Maybe we’ll also make plans to attend a nearby diner as a group for a particular set of further conversation.  Or maybe we’ll sneak into a particular set of adjacent theaters I’ve also built in my home before the particular set of day laborer ushers chase us out for not having tickets. I know it’s my home and all, but I told you I enjoy recreating the particular set of theater-going experiences in all their forms. Every morning I chew a bunch of gum and put it under some of the theater seats to make it extra realistic.

Anyway, after you’ve seen it, we can still do this if you want. But I don’t think you will. You see,  I have a particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career oh just see the movie, I don’t want to spoil it for you!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s