How To Win a Presidential Debate

Tonight, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama will participate in their first debate.  Presidential debates have played a critical role in determining the choice of the populace in the past and this year will prove no different. With this in mind, here are some tips on how both Romney and Obama can improve their chances for coming out on top tonight: 

* Enter to the old Hulk Hogan “Real American” theme song.

* Continually stress the fact that “under my rule, anybody who wants to become Batman is more than welcome to try.”

* Lie.

* You’re not allowed to interrupt while your opponent’s talking, but there’s no rule against rolling your eyes and silently making the jerkoff motion.

* No one’s ever looked dumber for wearing glasses and a bow tie.

* Respond to every point your opponent makes by smirking and sarcastically intoning, “Really? Really?”

* Hire Police Academy‘s Michael Winslow to hide backstage and make weird sound effects every time your opponent speaks so the crowd thinks he’s a robot or something.

* Do lots of bicep curls the day of the debate. Wear a  suit and shirt with tearaway sleeves. “Accidentally” rip them off, say, “Oops!” and then flex a lot.

* Frequently quote great Americans such as Thomas Jefferson, FDR, Abraham Lincoln,  Gandhi, and President David Palmer.

* Photoshop your opponent’s face on a gay pornstar’s face doing another dude and say, “Gay marriage is one thing, but what he’s up to here is another issue entirely!”

* Instead of a glass of water, drink a Coke and then while your opponent’s talking do that old guy thing where you say, “AHHH” after every sip.


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