The real refs get a little love before we go back to calling them idiots, Billy Cundiff proves that the fourth time is a charm, and the Bills defense hopefully enjoy whatever vacation they took that allowed them not to show up. Here’s what went down in Week 4 of the NFL:
RAVENS 23, BROWNS 16
Everyone agreed the real refs getting a huge ovation before the coin toss was fine. Running around the field with their shirts off high fiving the crowd after a holding call, however, was a bit over the top.
49ERS 34, JETS 0
Rex Ryan defended the awful play of Mark Sanchez. “I think Mark’s the answer at quarterback,” said Ryan defiantly. Which is correct…if the question is “Which quarterback sucks at playing football for the New York Jets?”
FALCONS 30, PANTHERS 28
Despite the loss, Cam Newton waited until he got home to quietly celebrate his two touchdown passes by doing his Superman dance in his own bathroom mirror as his entire family applauded.
PATRIOTS 52, BILLS 28
Eager to show the refs he can use his physicality against officials for good, Bill Belichick offered each ref a post-game deep tissue massage.
VIKINGS 20, LIONS 13
Minnesota returned both a punt and a kickoff for touchdowns, ensuring that all week Vikings special teams coordinator Mike Priefer will be swimming in Twin Cities poon.
CHARGERS 37, CHIEFS 20
The win allows Norv Turner to wait another week before posting his resume to Monster.com.
RAMS 19, SEAHAWKS 13
Rookie kicker Greg Zuerlien kicked four field goals in the win. When pressed for comment afterwards, Zuerlein panicked, kicked a reporter in the balls, and cried, “I’m sorry! Kicking is all I know!”
TEXANS 38, TITANS 14
Losing a chunk of his ear last week didn’t stop Matt Schaub from leading Houston to victory. When asked for his reaction to the win, Schaub responded, “Come again?”
BRONCOS 37, RAIDERS 6
To make sure punter Britton Colquitt still feels appreciated after not having to use his services all day, Peyton Manning promised to take him out for a lovely evening of dinner, drinks, and dancing.
CARDINALS 24, DOLPHINS 21
After blowing a 13-0 halftime lead, Dolphins coach Joe Philbin again addressed reporters forlornly after the loss as his pimp character, “Big Daddy” Philbin. “I haven’t felt this bad since Cheryl, my bottom bitch, started her tricking career off really strong but had to retire after she ate too many snacks and came down with the gout.”
BENGALS 27, JAGUARS 10
Since no one gives a shit about this game, I’ll use this opportunity to confess that I robbed fourteen banks in the Spokane, Washington area from 2006-2009. Made off with over $1 million plus the wristwatches of several bank employees. Local media referred to be as the “Courteous Bandit” because I always apologized profusely to the tellers I pilfered.
PACKERS 28, SAINTS 27
Drew Brees would have been totally bummed out about the Saints dropping to 0-4 if he hadn’t won the eBay auction for that chunk of Matt Schaub’s ear.
REDSKINS 24, BUCS 22
Despite missing three field goals, Billy Cundiff hit the game winner as time expired. This means that when he’s kicked out of Redskins Park on Monday, he’ll be gently escorted from the building instead of being thrown out like Uncle Phil did to Jazz.
EAGLES 19, GIANTS 17
Mustachioed Andy Reid celebrated the victory by firing two six-shooters in the air, donning a comically large cowboy hat, and yelling about killing some no good varmint.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
I like the Cowboys over the Bears in a tight one. Jay Cutler’s Bears teammates will get so frustrated by his arrogance they will mutiny at halftime only to replace him with a returning Shane Falco.
That’s it for this week. Check back here next week, and every week, for the most electrifying NFL recap in sports entertainment.