Only God Can Manage Me

A friend of mine told me one of her coworkers went to their boss with a problem with a separate co-worker. Apparently, the two weren’t getting along. The boss’s response?

“Go home and pray. Let God give you the answer.”

That’s your management style? ” God can deal with it.” That’s like a cop seeing a robbery and saying, “Eh. I’m sure the Batman’s got this.”

At first glance, it’s ridiculous. But think about it. It’s a genius deflection.  If anyone questions the decision, the boss can just say, “You can’t infringe on my religious rights!” and can threaten a class action lawsuit. Meanwhile the employee gets a day off, so she doesn’t care either way. And the shitbag boss gets to sit in her office with her feet up watching ALF DVDs on her laptop, which is what I assume lame-o religious nuts enjoy.

Regardless of the genius of it, it’s a bogus reason to avoid doing your job. You’re the one getting paid to manage, not God. You can’t outsource your job to Heaven. He’s not some meek Indian guy pretending his name is Craig; he’s our ultimate Creator. He’s not going to clean up your mess. Plus if he does this one little thing for you, you’ll get hooked and always look to him to help. The first time you’re telling people to pray for help, the next time you’re auto-responding to all emails with: “I’m out, but if you need anything, just walk outside and scream towards the sky until stuff happens.”

If God exists I’m sure he has bigger problems than petty office bullshit. Can you imagine the people of Darfur pleading for God to end their suffering only for him to say, “Sorry guys, my hands are full with this jammed copier.” Or how about God stepping in on an HR dispute? “Look, honey, I’ll be honest: at your age, you should be grateful that anyone is grabbing your ass. It ain’t as firm as it used to be. I know, I made it that way as punishment for that time you got drunk and gave your mailman a handjob.”

If the boss is allowed to use God as a cop out, shouldn’t employees be able to do the same? I know I would. I’d cut out at 10:45 telling everyone Jesus told me to bail and catch a movie. Then when I came in and explained the plot of The Dark Knight Rises to everyone despite the fact that they told me they don’t want to hear it, I’d say, “Praise be to Jesus” every other sentence just to make them think I wasn’t full of it. Plus I’d wear a cross around my neck with a strand of garlic, or whatever it is that religious people do. Wait, is that religous people, or people who believe in vampires? I can never get them straight.

Despite the fact that telling an employee to pray is ridiculous, I wouldn’t mind having God as a boss. You have to figure team lunches are going to be better if God’s catering. I’m thinking it would be like one of those giant medieval feasts with turkey legs, mountains of mashed potatoes, cakes and pies, one of those roasted pigs with the apple in his mouth. We’re drinking wine by the goblets while a bunch of full-figured maidens dance around happily. Some guy in a frilly shirt skips around gayly playing a flute or something. All the guys are dressed like Henry VIII for some reason. Beats the hell out of Quiznos, don’t you think?

Don’t even get me started on the potential happy hours. How great would it be to get God wasted? Sure, it would start out innocent enough, but 5 drinks in when it’s just me and God, slumped over the bar, I’d get him to tell me who ended up going to Hell.

“Princess Diana? Wow…George Washington? Hmm, you don’t say…Jack Lemmon? Wait, Jack Lemmon is in Hell? Grumpy Old Men Jack Lemmon? OK, now you’re just messin’ with me. Let’s take another shot. Christ, I am so messed up. Hey you think the waitress likes me?”

The best part about this story is that if there is a God, this boss lady is probably going to Hell. Not for being a bad person, but for trying to unload some of her shit work on God.

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