The Ravens prove that gazpacho isn’t the only dish best served cold, the Michael Vick Turnover Foundation makes three more donations, and the Saints start to realize that they’ll be able to enjoy the Super Bowl at the Superdome this year from a great seat in the stands. Here’s what went down in week 3 of the NFL:
GIANTS 36, PANTHERS 7
“It was nothing they did. It was all on us,” said Cam Newton after the loss, making this the first time that a team was able to score 36 points against itself.
JAGUARS 22, COLTS 17
The most crucial play in Jacksonville’s first win of the year was a long TD pass from Blaine Gabbert to Cecil Shorts III, who surprisingly is an NFL wide receiver and not one of the Little Rascals.
JETS 23, DOLPHINS 20
Although the Jets hit the game winning field goal in OT, Dolphins coach Joe Philbin called timeout on the previous attempt, which would go on to be blocked. Philbin, addressing the press afterwards as his pimp character, “Big Daddy” Philbin, was unfazed. “Anyone who questions Daddy gets a bitch slap. Now someone get my ass a snack,” said Philbin. He also added that Dolphins kicker Dan Carpenter, who missed two critical field goals, got his black eye from falling down the stairs.
VIKINGS 24, 49ERS 13
Christian Ponder felt so good after the upset win, he announced new plans to go by his given name: Jewish Contemplate.
COWBOYS 16, BUCS 10
Dallas won their home opener the same week that the public realized that Cowboys.com is the URL for a gay dating site. “Yeah, that story was such a weird distraction, but what do we care about some stupid website we’d definitely never go to?” said Tony Romo. He then paused and added, “Wait…was that CowBOY.com or CowBOYS.com?”
TITANS 44, LIONS 41
When asked what he called this game’s wild finish, which included three TDs in the last 90 seconds, an onside kick, overtime, a failed attempt at a TD in lieu of a field goal that would have tied the game, a naked circus clown, two ball gags, a belt, a Snapple bottle, three goats, and a merry-go-round coated in Vaseline for some reason, Titans coach Mike Munchak replied, “The Aristocrats!”
BEARS 23, RAMS 6
Thanks to his pick-6, Major Wright has learned the Bears plan to promote him to Lieutenant Colonel.
BENGALS 38, REDSKINS 31
Robert Griffin III was pragmatic in the loss. “Look, we can sit here all day and go over the reasons we lost: the secondary was weak. The offensive line was suspect. I was distracted because I skipped practice all week plotting to kill the panda cub born at the National Zoo. The special teams didn’t step up when we needed them. The point is, we can’t point fingers because we’re all to blame.” When asked to clarify the panda cub plot thing, RGIII stuttered, “Wait, did I say that out loud?”
CHIEFS 27, SAINTS 24
The talented Saints 0-3 start can be attributed to either the Bountygate Scandal or the team’s 5 year refusal to admit that playing defense is a thing.
BILLS 24, BROWNS 14
Buffalo snapped an 8 game road losing streak. “This will make it much easier to go home, because until we won on the road, my wife wouldn’t let me sleep in our bed!” said Bills coach Chan Gailey at the post game press conference. Gailey’s phone then vibrated, signifying an incoming text message. “Sorry everyone, just got to check this. Oh, it’s from my wife! ‘U still r not allowed in bed. I’m sleeping with ur brother, Stan Gailey. Chan isn’t even a real name, u little bitch.'” Gailey then slumped his shoulders and began sobbing uncontrollably, leading the assembled press corps to wonder why in the hell he shared this intensely personal message with a bunch of journalists in a professional setting.
TEXANS 31, BRONCOS 25
For the second straight week, a Peyton Manning comeback attempt came up short. “This one’s on me,” said Manning. “I woulda played better if I had spent less time this week Skyping RGII to help him figure out how to kill that panda.”
FALCONS 27, CHARGERS 3
Michael Turner performed LaDainian Tomlinson’s old TD celebration as a tribute to his old teammate. In response, LT paid tribute to Turner by taking 15 shots of Patron and driving home.
CARDINALS 27, EAGLES 6
Andy Reid chalked the 12 Philly turnovers this season to elaborate Ponzi schemes run by the Cleveland, Baltimore and Arizona defenses in which they convince Michael Vick they’ll be able to double his investment of one football literally over night.
RAIDERS 34, STEELERS 31
A helmet-to-helmet hit on Darrius Heyward-Bey went unflagged. Tune in next week, as the fake refs wait for the crowd to react before they flag a guy for pulling out a machete.
RAVENS 31, PATRIOTS 28
Attempting to argue the validity of the game winning field goal, Bill Belichick pushed one of the fake refs after the game. Jim Harbaugh was flagged for running onto the field and screaming at an official. Not to be outdone, next week legendary former coach Bill Parcells has offered to find one of the fake refs and give him a swirlie in a public bathroom.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
In a tight one, I like the Packers to squeeze by the Seahawks. In order to show last week’s confrontation is behind them, James Jones and Aaron Rodgers will spend all time not on the field quietly holding hands.
That’s it for week 3, but bring your asses back here next week for a big ass recap of all the week’s NFL action. I’m dead ass serious.