Facts About the Newly Discovered Species of Monkey

Last week scientists revealed that they’ve discovered a new species of monkey called the lesula in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. This is an exciting discovery and new information trickles in every day. Here’s what he know about the lesula so far:

* Should make great wisecracking sidekicks for the Congo’s silverback gorilla population.

* Born with a pair of bright blue buttocks that slowly change to white over time. Scientists attribute this to either an environmental adaptation or the fact that Coors Light is the official sponsor of lesula assholes.

* Its closest relative is Cercopithecus hamlyni also known as the “owl-faced monkey.” The two currently aren’t speaking, however, after it made a pass at lesula’s wife at last year’s Thanksgiving.

* Unknown to the public until recently but has been hailed as revolutionary by indie monkey scientists for years.

* Face is covered in a mane of blonde hairs, prompting Monkey US Weekly to refer to it as the “Chad Michael Murray of the primate world!”

* Mortal lock to win “Closest Resemblance to Lyle Lovett” at this year’s Monkey Awards.

* Actually not that big on bananas, but you know what’s weird? They love banana bread.

* Not much information available on its yearly income as it still refuses to release its tax returns.

* Surprisingly gentle around humans with the exception of Rod Stewart, whose music they absolutely cannot stand.

* Always performs a “courtesy bury” when it goes #2 in the jungle.

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