The Cardinals are rude hostguests to a Patriots team nice enough to let them crash on their couch, Andrew Luck avoids his own personal Viking funeral, and Tom Coughlin and Greg Schiano have a polite old guy argument that ends in a handshake. Let’s take a look at week 2 in the NFL:
PACKERS 23, BEARS 10
To add insult to Green Bay’s defensive dominance of Jay Cutler (4 INT), Kristin Cavallari revealed the true father of their child: morbidly obese former Packer Gilbert Brown. “I should have known,” Cutler lamented, “when the baby came out black and 245 pounds.”
BILLS 35, CHIEFS 17
C.J. Spiller’s two touchdowns keyed the victory. Spiller’s reaction? “I figured two TDs was the least I could do seeing as how I drop a glass of milk on the locker room floor every day because my name is literal.”
BENGALS 34, BROWNS 27
With another solid outing, Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis took this opportunity to announce to the world his new endorsement deal, changing his name to Uncle Ben’s Rice Jarvis Green-Ellis.
COLTS 23, VIKINGS 20
Kicking a game winning field goal in this game after kicking three game winners to clinch Super Bowls, Adam Vinatieri must have felt like the guy who played Chewbacca when he made Revenge of the Sith.
GIANTS 41, BUCS 34
When asked how he so thoroughly beat on cornerback Aqib Talib, New York wide receiver Hakeem Nicks responded, “Simple. I pretended that I was him, and that he was his own mother.”
PANTHERS 35, SAINTS 27
The second consecutive loss confirms that New Orleans interim coach Aaron Kromer is not Sean Payton in a Mission: Impossible mask.
DOLPHINS 35, RAIDERS 13
Coach Joe Philbin greeted reporters afterwards as his pimp character “Big Daddy” Philbin: “Look, y’all think this is hard, but it’s like convincing a john to pay yo bitch. All you gotta do is ask the players real nicely, and they’ll do what you tell them.” Philbin then adjusted his pinkie ring, ate from a bowl of grapes, and eyed up a particularly attractive young reporter. “Honey, you look like you’re nice to talk to. Let’s go get some snacks and conversate, know what I’m saying?” As Philbin exited the press conference with the reporter, he admonished the reporters to “don’t let nobody fuck with my grapes. If something happens to Daddy’s grapes, something’s gonna happen to you.”
CARDINALS 20, PATRIOTS 18
Kevin Kolb defeated Tom Brady at home. In other news, Bizarro Superman should be showing up any second now to fuck up everybody’s day.
EAGLES 24, RAVENS 23
When asked about Philadelphia’s alarming number of turnovers in their 2 wins, Andy Reid immediately dropped his pants and fantasized about apple turnovers.
TEXANS 27, JAGUARS 7
The Jaguars 117 yards of total offense was the worst Jaguar performance this one jaguar got erectile dysfunction in the jungle and couldn’t please his wife sexually. Truth be told, jungle ED is one of the leading causes of divorces among jaguar couples. You see, jaguars can’t afford the costly medicine they need to get over the problem because they’re jaguars. They have no concept of money. Sending a jaguar out to purchase you something is a fool’s errand. He’ll literally just look at you as if to say, “Can I just take the stuff off the store shelf? Is it a barter system? What is currency?” But that’s where you can help. By donating to the Mike James Help a Jaguar Get Hard Foundation, we can get this medicine out of the labs and into the hands of those who need it most: jaguars who can’t get it up. Picture this for a second: a frustrated, pathetic male jaguar sitting on the edge of the bed in a cold sweat, wondering what’s wrong with him. His jaguar wife, bored with their ho-hum lives, reading a magazine and comforting her mate with empty platitudes like, “It happens to a lot of jaguars,” while she secretly thinks about her more handsome, more successful jaguar boss. Can you really afford to sit back and let a loving partnership disinegrate like that for no good reason? So donate today. Paypal your donations to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. This is not a scam. With your help, we can stabilize one of the fundamental pillars of jaguar society: strong jaguar marriages.
Also, if you want to just send me cash in an envelope, you can do that too. I’ll make sure the jaguars get the dick medicine. Honest.
RAMS 31, REDSKINS 28
Mike Shanahan plans to punish Josh Morgan for his costly unnecessary roughness penalty by forcing him to watch a marathon of the terrible USA Network show Necessary Roughness. Morgan is expected to play next week provided he does not claw his eyes out.
SEAHAWKS 27, COWBOYS 7
Seattle safety Kam Chancellor spoke about how he handled Dallas running back DeMarco Murray: “When he comes through that hole, you’ve got to make him feel you. Every time you touch him, you’ve got to make him feel you,” Chancellor said. He then paused and added, “Believe you me, he felt all of Kam. Off-topic: DeMarco, if you’re listening: any chance you wanna do something some time?”
STEELERS 27, JETS 10
The big play of this game was Mike Wallace’s 37 yard touchdown, which he dedicated to his deceased father, former 60 Minutes anchor Mike Wallace.
CHARGERS 38, TITANS 10
Antonio Gates’ backup Dante Rosario came out of nowhere to score three touchdowns. In response, Gates banished Rosario to a faraway dungeon to spend the rest of his days so that everyone continues to believe Gates is the fairest San Diego tight end of them all.
NINERS 27, LIONS 19
While no one expected a redux of last year’s postgame handshake fiasco, John Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz meeting at midfield during the game’s first play to kiss passionately might have been a bit much.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
In a shootout, Peyton Manning will lead the Broncos over the Falcons in a contest of two teams who love to run the no-huddle offense. In order to prove that their team is superior at not huddling, this week coaches of both squads have forbid their players from embracing anyone in their lives.
That’s it for week two. Check back here next week, and every week, for a tall, cold glass of a little drink I like to call a recap of all the week’s NFL action.