New Features for the iPhone5

The release date for the iPhone 5 is fast approaching. With that in mind, let’s take a look at some of the new features that differentiates this version from its little brothers: 

* Robot legs.

* Is actually just a flip phone taped to a Walkman.

* Comes with a small, cardboard cut-out of an iPhone 5 you can give out so poor people can also know what it’s like to have one.

* Capable of experiencing actual emotion, which will probably lead to it killing somebody over a girl.

* Any time someone mentions Robocop, Siri gets flustered like she’s really attracted to him and says stuff like, “Oooh lordy, that boy done given Mama the vapors!”

* Improved camera and video specs means it’s never been easier for men and women alike to take crystal clear photos of their dicks or boobs.

* New etiquette sensors allow Siri to react to rude behavior in your general vicinity by loudly clearing her throat and saying, “Excuse me?” over and over.

* For some reason, each one contains a PDF file of the script for Point Break.

* New version of Angry Birds in which they finally attend rage counseling.

* Siri now sounds like some old dude  so guys will stop hearing her irresistible, breathy voice and getting rock-hard erections lasting days on end. Wait…that’s not just me, is it?

* New lock screen doesn’t ask for a password; just makes you sit through an episode of Big Bang Theory.

* Has a new app that displays an official-looking policeman’s badge on your screen in case you need to pretend to be a cop.


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