I was listening to the radio this weekend, and this terrible song came on by a guy called Owl City. Obviously he sucks, and I flipped immediately, but his name got me thinking: what would a city full of owls be like? Would there be owl malls, grocery stores with only owl-centric items, and owl post offices? Would there be a bustling downtown area with hundreds of owls in suits, taking power lunches and talking about the owl stock market while they read the Owl Street Journal?
Which leads me to my next point: if there’s an owl city, there has to be an owl serving as mayor. Which also means there has to be an owl election. Which also means the incumbent owl mayor has to make a speech telling his owl brethren why they should elect him. Wonder what that would sound like? Well, you’re in luck, because here’s what I think you’d hear:
Good afternoon, my fellow owls. I’d like to thank you for your overwhelming support. As successful as my last term has been, we have a lot of work to do to in our owl community.
For one: owl education is, and should continue to be, our number one priority. We’ve got to make sure that these little owlings are taken care of. Are baby owls called owlings? I’m not sure as my staff was too lazy to check Wikipedia before my speech. Anyway, our number two priority should be creating jobs. Our economy is suffering right now. 100% of our population become professors. We can’t help it; we’re wise. It’s in our nature. But we need somebody to perform menial tasks. We need a garbageowl. A mailowl. A milkowl, for owls who get milk delivered like it’s still the 50’s. We need a janitowl-or to clean all the pellets out of our owl toilets. We even need cashiers and greeters for the new WowlMart being built downtown next year.
Another thing I pledge to do is cut our city’s budget. Right now, over half our funds are dedicated to buying old leatherbound books, mortarboard hats, tweed jackets with leather elbow patches, and other things we need to keep looking wise. That’s just wasteful. Also, we probably shouldn’t have undertaken that $17 million taxpayer-funded study to find out how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. Especially when all the scientists kept giving up after licking it three times and saying, “Ah-one, ah-two, ah-three,” then biting it before concluding, “Ah-three.”
Now my opponent will say a lot of things. In his last ad, he even claims he’s the wisest owl for the job, when again, we all know damn well that we’re all wise because we’re owls. All of us have PhD’s from Owl College, so that’s a moot point. But this is all empty rhetoric. Let’s look at the facts: during my term, we’ve had less crime than ever before. I’m keeping adolescent owls in tree school and out of the streets (the streets are pretty much just the areas between the trees). Our economy is soaring; everyone has lots of owl money to keep dead mice on our dinner plates every night. And our confidence as a collective city is at an all-time high, despite the fact that we’re not nearly handsome as those asshole eagles who can fly way higher than we do.
My opponent like to distract you from the critical issues by bringing up frivolous matters. He’ll tell you about the time I was arrested for indecent exposure during a showing of The Guardians of Ga’Hoole a few years back. And yes, that did happen. But what does that have to do with governing a city? Plus, I just carry myself like a mayor. I’m incredibly wise and I look great in a tiny three piece suit. Some days I even carry a walking stick. And who, pray tell, looks smarter than an owl with a walking stick?
Who would you like leading your city: a wise owl that dresses well and looks distinguished, or some idiot who brings up me being turned on by a movie with a bunch of hot lady owls? At least, I think they were female. I’m still not really good at telling the difference in owl gender despite the fact that I myself have been around owls my whole life.
This election day, when you head to that tree branch we’ve designated the voting booth, cast your vote for me. Also, donate to my campaign fund. Please give your owl dollars to any of my staffers. They’re the owls wearing button-down collared shirts and khakis, walking around with collection plates. If you want to donate some dead mice that’s fine too. It won’t help me get elected or anything, but it should help buoy the spirits of the boys down at the campaign headquarters. So, vote for me everybody!
Look, the bottom line is that the lady owls in the Ga’Hoole movie looked pretty good. Don’t act like you didn’t like ’em either.