Professional commercial actor Peyton Manning decides to play a little football, the Skins and Cowboys prove to their fans that sometimes going 1-0 is just as good as winning a Super Bowl, and apparently the Jets are the ’99 Rams. The NFL is back. Let’s take a closer look at what went down yesterday:
COWBOYS 24, GIANTS 17
After the game a delirious Jerry Jones declared that due to the victory over last year’s Super Bowl winner, the Cowboys were now the champions, and that they will no longer play the Giants because “the series is over, we won and it’s over now because we’re the best football team of all times.”
REDSKINS 40, SAINTS 32
Robert Griffin III was impressive despite the fact that Drew Brees openly offered $5,000 to any Saints defender who injected the quarterback with a vial of Ebola.
TEXANS 30, DOLPHINS 10
A dejected Coach Joe Philbin addressed the media afterwards. “Y’know, I’ve decided that maybe I haven’t been colorful enough for these players. I need to show a little bit of my personality and hopefully that will help us play better.” Philbin then put on a mink coat and a purple hat and yelled, “S0, here we go, let me put my hat on…from now on, y’all need to refer to me as ‘Big Daddy’ Philbin. I might as well embrace my former life as a pimp. Where my bitches at?” Two females, one of whom was Chad Johnson’s ex-wife, Evelyn Lozada, joined Philbin at the podium. “These here is my bitches. They’re going to be with my on the sideline at all times to give me snacks and blowers. Oh and just so y’all know – I beat Evelyn here like a drum, but she ain’t even tryin’ to press charges because I’m her Daddy and she knows what time it is. Any questions?” No one had any questions.
JETS 48, BILLS 28
The Jets offense exploded for 48 points. Rex Ryan attributed the outburst to preparation and a superior gameplan. It also didn’t hurt that Jesus Christ was whispering all of Buffalo’s defensive formations in Tim Tebow’s ear before every play.
FALCONS 40, CHIEFS 24
Tony Gonzalez was given a warm reception in his return to Kansas City, reasserting his position as the only Hispanic guy welcome in Missouri.
VIKINGS 26, JAGUARS 23
Adrian Peterson returned strong with 2 touchdowns. The running back was not healthy enough to play, but was forced to when coach Leslie Frazier revealed that he drafted AD on his fantasy team.
LIONS 27, RAMS 23
In order to get people to call him by his preferred nickname of Starscream, Lions #2 wideout Nate Burleson attempted to usurp Calvin “Megatron” Johnson’s position as leader of the Detroit receivers by kicking him repeatedly in the huddle.
PATRIOTS 34, TITANS 13
Amid talk of his dissatisfaction with his contract, Wes Welker was held to only three catches. To hammer home the point that anyone is replaceable in the New England system, Bill Belichick announced that next week Tom Brady would sit in favor of a guy with a flipper for a hand.
BEARS 41, COLTS 21
Andrew Luck threw three interceptions in his debut, which isn’t bad considering he’s a Caveman discovered in a block of ice somewhere in Scandinavia who just recently thawed out and is still having difficulty adjusting to modern society.
EAGLES 17, BROWNS 16
Those who doubted Brandon Weeden due to age concerns may have been correct, as the 28 year old rookie quarterback threw four interceptions in his debut. Browns fans should cut Weeden some slack as he also has to worry about his wife, four kids, three dogs, and massive mortage payments. Not to mention the fact that his boss at his job as an insurance claims adjuster is really riding him, plus his mother-in-law is being a Grade-A bitch.
49ERS 30, PACKERS 22
Aaron Rodgers less than stellar play is due in part to Rodgers bailing on the game to go see the movie Lawless. He was replaced by Graham Harrell wearing an Aaron Rodgers mask. When asked why he left during the game, Rodgers mumbled incoherently like Tom Hardy’s character from the film, Forrest Bondurant.
SEAHAWKS 20, CARDINALS 16
Late in the game, the referees inadvertently and incorrectly granted Seattle an extra timeout. Representatives from the league office owned up to the error, but stressed that all in all the refs were pretty good for being a bunch of day laborers picked up at Home Depot an hour before kickoff.
BRONCOS 31, STEELERS 19
Peyton Manning looked as good as new in his first game in over a year, leading some to speculate over whether or not this was the actual Peyton Manning, but a clone of his earlier, healthier self. “That is an absolutely ludicrous charge,” said Manning, adding, “Now if you’ll excuse me, my friend and I are going out to celebrate,” as he got into the passenger’s seat of a convertible driven by Peyton Manning wearing Groucho glasses and sped away.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
In the early game, the Ravens will over topple the Bengals. Not only does Baltimore have more talent, but newly signed Bengal Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis has a crippling fear of the color purple. In the late game, I like the Chargers over the Raiders in the Norv Bowl, which features teams presently or formerly coached by Norv Turner. The winner gets a year’s subscription to Norv’s favorite periodical, Pockmarks Quarterly.
That’s it for week one. Check back here next week, and every week, for more hot recap-on-recap NFL action.