A Note from a Chik-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy

With a lot of controversy brewing over Chik-Fil-A’s stance on gay marriage, I thought it might be good to hear straight from the source. So without further ado, today’s guest blog is from Chik-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy. Take it away, Dan:

I’ve caught a lot of flak recently for my stance on the gays. But I stand by what I said: in the eyes of God, marriage is between a man and a woman.

Marriage is one thing, but sex is another. When it comes to sex, Dan Cathy says do whatever the hell you want. In fact – and  I don’t share this with too many folks, so keep it between you, me, and our computers – Chik-Fil-A was founded after I saw some scalding hot chicken-on-rooster action in Thailand. True story.

So I’m down there with my young companion, Pedro. Pedro’s a strapping young Mexican boy of 19 who cleaned our pool.  We also went to ball games, worked out, and applied suntan lotion to each other’s pecs. Boy, when the sunlight hit those kid’s bosoms, they would glisten like a majestic bald eagle with a beak of gold. Anyway, we meet this guy at our hostel who invites us to this show. We ask him what the show is, and he says, “It’ll have chickens.” We figure, hey, it’s a cockfight – sign us up! After all, what God-fearing Southern man doesn’t enjoy a few cocks mashing against each other for hours on end?

So we show up, and much to our chagrin, this rooster’s giving it to this chicken! Meanwhile all these ruffians are cheering him. Pedro turns to me, and with his shimmering raven hair tossing about in the wind and his soft, dimpled brow furrowing into the most adorable frown, he says, “Senor Cathy, this is no cockfight!”

In an effort to comfort him, I cupped my hand on his firm right buttock. “You’re right, Pedro. I’m going to talk to someone and see if we can have this replaced with good, clean, wholesome entertainment the whole family can enjoy.” After about five minutes of standing there, caressing both my hands against each of his corresponding buttocks for reassurance, I sought out the  manager.

When I found the head honcho, I was polite yet direct. “You see that young man over there? The one with the broad shoulders, the perfectly cut biceps, and the innocent yet devious stare that  makes you feel safe yet also dares you to explore a side of yourself you never knew existed? He is an impressionable boy and we’re appalled you’d let this sickening sideshow commence!”

The man put his hand on my shoulder, his soft touch frightening and exciting me all at once. “Sir, take a closer look. Don’t watch the lovemaking. Watch the passion!”

I took a moment to observe this perverse spectacle. And I was able to overlook the hooting and hollering crowd.  I was able to overlook the DJ letting Tag Team’s “Whoomp There It Is” serve as the event’s soundtrack. I was even able to overlook the rooster taking a break every five minutes or so to go high-five guys in the crowd with his claw. And what I saw was a true work of art between two willing animals who were just having a good time, not harming anyone. That’s the key – they were doing something they enjoyed, hurting no one else in the process. Who am I to judge two consenting, adult chickens for pursuing happiness while not impeding anyone else’s?

Once I realized how beautiful the show was, I decided to dedicate my life to the chicken. I would study it, cherish it, and honor it by turning it’s deceased form into delicious sandwiches slapped between fresh buns. Pedro and I would then go on to build the world’s first Chik-Fil-A when we got back to America. We worked tirelessly building the restaurant, coming up with recipes, and hiring staff. We paused only for the occasional tickle fight or to take a quick steam in the sauna. Towels were optional. The point is, we worked hard, and now I have one of the most successful chicken restaurants in our great Nation. And it’s all due to a musclebound Mexican boy and some weird chicken show we watched in a faraway land where pretty much any deviant behavior goes.

In conclusion, I still don’t know what the big deal is over my stance on gay marriage. The whole thing is a sham and wrong in the eyes of God. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go oil up Pedro for our 3:00 appointment in our two-man tanning bed. I had a two-man tanning bed built so we could get in there together to make sure neither of us falls asleep in there and gets burned.

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