9 Ways They Could Have Improved Prometheus

(Warning: don’t read this until you’ve seen the film. A) There are spoilers ahead, and B) You won’t get most of the jokes if you didn’t see the movie.)

Prometheus sucked. It was full of plot holes, questions it failed to answer, and uninteresting characters I couldn’t have cared less about. Also, it was boring. I’ve spoken to several people who enjoyed the film, and in defending it all of their points have been either asinine (“It looked cool in 3D!” or “The abortion scene was awesome!”) or, in a savvy reframe, have chalked all of the film’s flaws up to my own personal shortcomings  (“It’s too smart for you!” or “You expected something closer to Alien!”)

Nope. Sometime, a movie just plain sucks. With that said, I try to stay positive. Rather than focusing on the bad, here are a few changes I would have made to improve Prometheus:

Change the Look of the Engineers
No one wants to think that mankind was created in the image of Right Said Fred.

Hollywood: Stop Making Charlize Theron Into Such a Bitch Every Time
The most sympathetic character she’s played in the last 10 years was a serial killer.

I’m all for ambiguity in storytelling, but there were entirely too many plot threads left open. Why did David infect Holloway? What effect does the black goo have on people (characters had inconsistent reactions)?  What were the guys in the holograms running from? How come the Professor can make a radio out of a coconut, but he can’t fix a whole in the goddamn boat?

Stop Insulting Our Intelligence By Insisting That a C-Section Can Be Cleaned Up with a Staple Gun
Glad to see that gathering state-of-the-art medical technology in 2093 will include a trip to Office Depot.

Get an Actual Old Guy to Play the Old Guy
Isn’t there some kind of rule in Hollywood: write a role for an old guy, Anthony Hopkins gets first dibs?

Explain the Engineers’ Motivation to Eliminate Humanity
The whole film hinges on this, and it’s never explained. Is it because we killed Jesus? Murder, war and other atrocities? The Kardashians? That new bacon sundae from Burger King? Andy Dick?

Nix the Whole “Headless Fassbender” Bit
If one of your film’s climactic scenes makes me think of an old In Living Color sketch, it may need to go.

Decide What Kind of Movie It Is
Is it a psychological thriller? Existential drama? Monster movie? I think it tried to be all three, and it didn’t do any of them well. I wouldn’t have been shocked if they switched to slapstick in the final act and the Engineer chased Fassbender and Rapace through a bunch of doorways while the Benny Hill music played.

If You’re Going to Hint at a Charlize Theron Sex Scene, At Least Give Us Some Side Boob
Nothing cures an ailing film like flashing a little Theron butt cheek.


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