Tuesday night, Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder will take on LeBron James and the Miami Heat in game 1 of the NBA Finals. Before they tip off, let’s take a look the strengths and weaknesses of both squads:
OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER
* Kevin Durant is so universally loved that no one objected when state legislators granted him the ability to have sex with the wives of all Oklahoma men.
* Daequan Cook looks fantastic in a one-piece, which should come in handy during the swimsuit portion.
* Serge Ibaka’s been reading lots of Tony Robbins recently so he should be primed.
* Opposing teams are intimidated by James Harden’s beard, which is actually just a collection of ornery bumblebees trained to orbit his face in unison.
* Coached by a grown man named Scotty.
* Still giving crunch time minutes to the dried out husk that is Derek Fisher.
* Russell Westbrook still trying to get over how bad Prometheus sucked.
* What if one of them bumps their head and it messes up the part of their brain that tells them how to dribble?
* The team is 100% focused on basketball because as far as we know Delonte West hasn’t fucked any of their mothers recently.
* Shane Battier is wicked smart.
* They’ve been a team with a name not ending in the letter ‘s’ for a LOT longer than the Thunder have.
* Chris Bosh ready to break all time record for Most NBA Finals Appearances by a Plesiosaur.
* If the next team bake sale is another flop, they may not even have enough money to get to Oklahoma.
* Head coach Erik Spoelstra looks like the kind of guy who would try to have sex with your girlfriend while you’re out of town.
* Simmering, end-of-game alpha dog tension between Wade and LeBron bound to end in a long overdue on-court fuckfest.
* A shortsighted attempt by the Heat front office to capitalize on a hot news story will end in horrified crowd leaving Game 1 early as the National Anthem is sung by the bum who had his face eaten.
This is one of the more intriguing Finals matchups of the last few years. Comparing these two is like comparing the Avengers to the Justice League: the Avengers (or Thunder) are balanced with a greater number of less established stars, while the Justice League (or Heat) is top heavy with two mega-heroes (LeBron and Wade/Batman and Superman) one mid-to-great level hero (Green Lantern/Bosh) and a bunch of nobodies.
In a seven game series, you always give the benefit of the doubt to the team with the best player on the floor. LeBron is the best player in the world. I like Durant and the Thunder a lot, and if there was no Bosh I’d go Thunder. But Bosh is playing, and I expect he’ll play well. Unless LeBron reverts to the same bitch mode he exhibited against Dallas last year, Heat in 7.
Oh and in case you’re wondering, Juwan Howard is Aquaman.