Supreme Court OKs Strip Searches

The Supreme Court has refused to stop routine strip-searches of new jail inmates, including those arrested for minor offenses. With this new development, let’s take a look back through history for some other examples of criminals having their privacy infringed upon:

1692 – The Salem Witch trials see numerous women murdered without committing crimes. Unfortunately, this takes place 300 years before the debut of The View.

1770 – The British soldiers who fired the shots that sparked the Boston Massacre are jailed and are refused their afternoon tea and krumpets, which apparently in England is like not being read your Miranda Rights.

1920 – Chain gangs throughout the South replace the prisoners’ cotton kerchiefs with polyester, delivering a huge blow to brow-mopping conditions everywhere.

1986 – Mayor McCheese denies Hamburglar’s request for a conjugal visit from Birdie the Early Bird.

1994 – Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer is murdered in prison with a broomstick handle. This unspeakable act violated the broomstick’s right to not be shoved up a psycho’s butthole.

2002 – Guantanamo Bay opens. Prisoners are nocked, maimed, and tortured under the harshest of conditions. Also, no HBO.

2007 – Cult leader Charles Manson denied parole for the 11th time, only adding to the stereotype that all parole board members are heartless old jerks who don’t believe in 11th chances.  

2007 – Michael Vick is imprisoned and isn’t allowed to organize even one measly dog fight.

2012 – Bernie Madoff limited to only 3 Ponzi schemes per month.

2014 – Not satiated by allowing strip searches for all charges, the Supreme Court rules that all inmates must undergo a striptease search in which they’re inspected while they twerk.

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