Keys to the Game: Kansas and Kentucky

Monday night, March Madness culminates as Kansas takes on Kentucky to determine the NCAA champion. Here’s a breakdown of what each team needs to do to win:

KANSAS

* Big man Thomas Robinson will need to overcome his crippling fear of caterpillars while guarding Anthony Davis and his unibrow.

* Leave a duffel bag full of $10,000 in unmarked bills outside the Kentucky locker room and hope they take the hint.

* Make sure Bill Self’s toupee is properly secured so he doesn’t lose it and have to replace it at the last second with a comical looking afro wig.

* Pray that they don’t forget how to dribble.  

* When arguing questionable calls, under NO circumstances should they toss a bucket of confetti in the ref’s face.

* Watch all the Bourne films to get pumped then fight the urge to stab Michael Kidd-Gilchrist with a pen.

* Put lots of pressure on the Kentucky ballhandlers by constantly asking them if they planning to settle down with that sweet girlfriend of theirs and commit already.

* Practice halfcourt shots on the off chance that the game is played under “Rock and Jock” rules.

KENTUCKY

* Hope everybody waits until after the game to declare for the draft.

* Make good use of John Calipari’s newly recruited “bench player” who strongly resembles Derrick Rose in a wig and Groucho glasses.

* Hope that the entire Jayhawk team is scared of phenom Anthony Davis due to his unibrow making him look mad all the time.  

* Show up.

* Halftime speech should include John Calipari saying, “Look, let’s not bother hiding it anymore: if we win, I give each of you $500 grand, no strings.”

* Wait until after they win to tell admit that yes, the entire roster is made up of the Miami Heat wearing Mission Impossible-style masks.

* To put even more pressure on the underdog Jayhawks, suggest that only the winner will be allowed to retain the blue and white color scheme with the loser adopting fuschia and burnt siena.  

* Savor the Final Four appearance before it is inevitably stripped by the NCAA in two weeks.

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