With gas costing the average American $3.90 a gallon, the country is in an uproar. Political tension in the Middle East means gas prices aren’t likely to go down anytime soon. But that doesn’t mean you should lose hope. Luckily, I have an advanced grasp on this subject matter, as I myself am a frequent consumer of gasoline that sometimes watches cable news. Follow my advice, and you won’t find your wallet overwhelmed:
Wait, nevermind. Good idea in theory, but I don’t think it works in practical application. A problem as complex as this calls for a more nuanced approach.
ROB A BANK
That’s more like it. Get some friends with guns together, find a bank, and let nature take its course.
GO TO DIRECTLY TO THE SOURCE
Catch the next flight to Iran. Upon landing, walk up to random Iranians and say, “Fellas: lighten up a little. Putting gas in my gigantic American sport utility vehicle is costing me an arm and a leg. I need that cash to spend on HDTVs, Insane Clown Posse albums, cheeseburgers, and breast implants for my beautiful American wife. I know you guys are just trying to earn an honest buck, but didn’t you make enough off of September 11th? At this point you’re just being greedy!” Your complete understanding of the delicate geopolitical landscape will impress them enough to call the boys at the big oil companies and ask them to make gas only a dollar.
SAVE THE LIFE OF WAWA CEO HOWARD STOECKEL’S FIRST BORN
The LEAST he can do is offer you free gas for life. After all, you did just pull his kid out of a volcano. Whether or not you put him there in the first place as a ploy for free gasoline is irrelevant.
PAY IN COINS
You think the guy working the graveyard at Citgo is going to want to count $4,321 pennies at this time of night? I’m sure he’d just as soon comp you on the house.
Going to work? Grab a couple of coworkers. Going to a concert? Grab some friends. Going to hide a body, by yourself? Grab a drifter.
IF YOU PICK UP A DRIFTER, MAKE SURE HE’S IN SHAPE
We all know that the more weight you put in your vehicle, the more fuel it uses. Keep this in mind when you’re transporting vagrants you pick up on the side of the highway. Check his waistline and if you suspect a BMI over 28, think twice before him and his hook hand get in your Corolla.
AVOID GAS GUZZLERS
I’m talking about the worst offenders: Explorers, Escalades, Hummers, Batmobiles, tanks, the hearse from Ghostbusters, Black Beauty, James Bond’s Aston Martin, Fred Flintstone’s foot-powered car, and the jet the X-Men used in X-2: X-Men United.
MAKE THE GAS STATION ATTENDANT FEEL GUILTY
Before you fill up, check the price and do a double take. Roll your eyes. Mutter loudly enough to be heard, “Goddamn. No Christmas this year, then. Sorry Timmy.” If he still persists that you pay, hold up a puppy and say, “You take one dime and little El Duque here gets it!”
MAKE OTHER FINANCIAL SACRIFICES
Cook at home instead of dining out. Generic products instead of name brand. Silver encrusted leather assless chaps instead of diamond encrusted leather assless chaps. The little things add up.