What Exactly Did James Cameron Find at the Bottom of the Ocean?

Director James Cameron recently completed a record-breaking dive to Earth’s deepest point, the lowest point of the Mariana Trench. Here’s what he found:

  • A new form of life so beautiful that it will inspire him to spend ten years creating another Dances With Wolves ripoff
  • A SHIT TON of pennies
  • Quint
  • For some reason, four economy-sized containers of Miracle Whip
  • A Starbucks
  • A submarine full of human skeletons he ignored because that’s not really what he’s here for
  • Tupac and Biggie, alive and well, hiding out with plenty of cash, ho’s, and scuba gear
  • A wonderful creature that from afar resembled a beautiful mermaid, but on closer inspection turned out to be to a dude in green sweatpants with a giant boner
  • Two free passes to the Mariana Trench Old Country Buffet, which includes their award-winning plankton bar
  • A singing, dancing squid that he would have brought to Hollywood if he hadn’t murdered it due to an intense hatred of squids he’s harbored since one killed his father in a duel years ago
  • Joey Lawrence
  • Some spider-jellyfish that will creep all of us out when we think about it next time we’re at the beach
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