Welcome back to the first entry in over a year of my long-running, critically acclaimed series “But Could He Beat Chewbacca?” in which worthy competitors from all walks of fiction, non-fiction, and in-between take part in hypothetical combat against the greatest movie character of all time, Chewbacca.
PERFORMING STAND-UP COMEDY
STRENGTHS: Anyone can do it, but very few master it. It takes a special combination of writing ability, performance skills, and nerves of steel to succeed.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie first set is at the Dantooine Pizza Time in Southeast Dantooine. Most of the crowd is surprised an open mic is even going on, and the MC mispronounces his name as, “Chew-back-uh,” like Lando did in Empire Strikes Back. Chewie’s five minutes on stage do not go well. In a misguided attempt at being edgy, he simply reads facts off Snapple lids and follows each bit of triva by saying, “What in the fuck are these people TALKIN’ about?!?” hoping that will become his catchphrase. He closes with a dirty street joke that gets zero laughs. While he struggles initially, he works hard for a year and ends up middling for Jeff Foxworthy at a Cloud City casino.
GETTING OUT OF JURY DUTY
STRENGTHS: As our civic duty, everyone’s number gets called for jury duty at some point.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Feigning sickness, Chewie shows up to the courtroom with crutches, a fake cast on his arm, and an eyepatch for some reason. He presents a fake note from his mother to the judge. The judge dismisses him not because of the note, but because he is a giant hairy beast walking around on two legs, terrifying everyone.
WINNING THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION
STRENGTHS: Say what you want about Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum, but they are calculating politicians who will stop at nothing to achieve their goals.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After getting throttled in the debate, Chewie refuses to leave the podium.
“Hey look, I ain’t leaving this stage until I get to fight the both of you. We all know we need a president who can kick ass every once in awhile, so show me what you got. C’mon, we all saw Independence Day, right?” Several people actually clap for this.
“This is ridiculous!” says Romney. “We are both important men! Wearing suits, no less!”
Chewie pulls a fat wad of $100 bills out of the back pocket of his Armani suit. “There’s $50 grand right here, fucko. Either of you whip me and it’s all yours.”
After sharing quick glances, Santorum and Romney charge the podium in an attempt to claim the prize and are quickly beaten. It’s a technically impressive pummelling, as he utilizes several MMA submission holds to force Romney and Santorum to tap. “I don’t care what y’all say,” says Chewie as he lights a stogie while standing over Santorum and Romney’s beaten bodies, “but ain’t nothing more presidential than a Wookiee ass kicking.”
“Mr. Chewbacca,” says a reporter, “Who’s going to be your running mate?”
He puts out the remnants of his cigar on Romney’s forehead, smirks and says, “Wedge. Peace out, motherfuckers.”
GOING BACK IN TIME TO SAVE JFK
STRENGTHS: Time machines don’t exist, so this one would be really hard.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie and Luke spend an entire rainy weekend inside building a time machine made out of a refrigerator box, an outboard motor, two oars, an umbrella, and an iPad. Amazingly, they actually get the contraption to travel back in time, but they end up ignoring the historic murder to check out a movie and cruise for some of what Chewbacca refers to as “some of that sweet time travel trim.”
FILLING OUT A BRACKET FOR MARCH MADNESS
STRENGTHS: With the unpredictability of the NCAA tournament, winning your a March Madness pool depends on a combination of basketball knowledge and luck.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie starts off strong, picking Norfolk State’s upset over second seeded Missouri, but neglects to fill out the rest of his bracket when he is distracted by a large hunk of meat hanging from a tree outside his house.
STRENGTHS: The Ugandan guerrilla commander is as evil as he is formidable.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie himself cannot penetrate the dictator’s inner circle…but his good friend Lando does, after posing as one of Kony’s security guards. Chewie and Lando deliver a swift ass kicking and free most of Kony’s kids. Chewie then takes four of them home to do his yard work and serve him lemonade before being chastised by Han into setting them free.