By the time you read this, Peyton Manning may have already chosen his new team. Manning informed teams this weekend that he plans to make his decision by Monday or Tuesday. The final candidates? Denver, Arizona, Miami, San Francisco, and Tennessee (the Niners are the unofficial leaders in the clubhouse, with Miami and Arizona all but eliminated from consideration). Of these teams, where is Peyton most likely to go? Let’s break down the pro’s and con’s of each option:
* Moving from the Colts to the Broncos allows him to maintain a consistent “horse mascot” motif.
* Can relate to team president John Elway if he has any trouble adjusting to becoming a beloved, awesomely talented veteran QB making millions and essentially being handed the keys to an entire organization.
* May clash with devout Christian Tim Tebow, as few realize that Manning is actually a deeply committed Orthodox Jew. He even has a large back tattoo of Jewish actor Fyvush Finkel to prove it.
* Angered current RB Willis McGahee at the 2007 Pro Bowl when Manning ripped a beefy fart in the huddle, waved his hand in front of his nose, and said, “Whoa, Willis…what did you eat?”
* He’ll save the life of current Cardinals QB Kevin Kolb, who will be murdered by Larry Fitzgerald if the team fails to sign a real QB.
* Is already familiar with head coach Ken Whisenhunt, which will come in handy when Whisenhunt kowtows to him like a frightened child on every major team decision.
* One of his favorite pastimes is knitting handmade quilts, which will be rendered useless in the Arizona heat.
* State’s large retiree population provide a daily reminder of the inevitability of death’s dark shadow overtaking us all.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERs
* Will allow him to fulfill his lifelong dream of making a shot-for-shot remake of Full House’s opening credit sequence.
* Should have plenty to talk about with Randy Moss, as one of Manning’s favorite things to do in his spare time is recklessly drive around while terrified parking cops cling to the hood of his car.
* Dinners with coach Jim Harbaugh will be brutal, as they’ll probably do that alpha male thing where they both get pissed when the other guy tries to pick up the check.
* The signing of WR Mario Manningham undoubtedly violates Manning’s longstanding rule of not playing with anyone with the word “Manning” anywhere else in his name.
* Assuming he’ll get to live in a houseboat and ride an actual dolphin to work.
* Team traded brash psychotic WR Brandon Marshall, which is good, because Manning prefers his #1 receivers to be quieter, workmanlike psychotics like Marvin Harrison.
* Team has already denied the notoriously huge Gloria Estefan fan’s request to change its name to the “Miami Football Machine.”
* Ricky Williams probably took all the good weed with him.
* If he has any trouble finding a gold-plated, diamond-studded grill to wear garishly over his front teeth, Chris Johnson probably knows a guy.
* Played his college ball in Knoxville, which means he’ll know some great places to get wasted after games.
* Titans QBs seem eternally cursed to have horrible things happen to them, as Kerry Collins struggled with alcoholism for years, Steve McNair was murdered in cold blood, and Matt Hasselbeck went bald at like, 24.
* Will have to fight the urge to chuckle every team he sees the team’s name in print, because look…it says “tit.”